You know that Game of Thrones has turned you into a masochist when you’re actually unhappy with the results of the past episode. No gut punch. No disappointment. Literally the perfect outcome after two AMAZING battle scenes. I’m sorry. I wanted the shocking, not the predictable. Oh well.
Tyrion explaining things to pissed off Daenerys was a pretty awkward scene. The siege explosions in the background. Tyrion’s sobriety induced anxiety. And Dany’s “resting b*tch face”. For a moment, I thought she was about to do to Tyrion what Darth Vader did to every under-achieving Imperial officer . . .
Dany: I’ve got a plan, let’s kill everyone!
Tyrion: Uh, don’t do that. Do you have a plan?
Dany: Uh, duh. [Gets on dragon, kills everyone except that 1 Master]
The big question: did the attacking Masters completely forget that Dany has F*CKING DRAGONS? Because that was stupid of them. Just like it was lazy of the brooding smaller dragons to hide in their room listening to Emo music when the city had been under attack for at least a day.
The Battle of the Bastards was pretty rad. But watching FULL GROWN dragons burninate EVERYTHING was my favorite part of the episode.
After that? It was time for more Theon Greyjoy roasting, this time courtesy of Tyrion. That would’ve played well a few seasons ago, but at this point you just feel bad for him. Luckily, Yara was there to brown-nose for Dany’s support. More of the actual episode script:
Dany: Iron Islands had a queen before?
Yara: No more than Westeros
Dany: I hear your dead Dad was a bad king
Yara: No more than yours
Dany: Want to get married?
Yara: Naw, unless you’re into that
Dany: Ok, well all I want is for you to stop reaving, roving, raiding, raping, and all other r words even though you guys have been doing it for your entire existence and will no longer have a culture to identify with.
Danerys rampaged the Essos Rebellion. And now she has a huge fleet. Is she FINALLY going to Westeros now?
We saw plenty of Daenerys and her dour disposition. But once again, there isn’t a woman in Westeros who can one up little Lyanna Mormont:
It was a treat to see Ramsay Bolton trade wits with Jon Snow and Sansa Stark one last time. We’re going to miss him. Yeah, he’s easily the most evil character in the show. Yeah, he made Joffrey look like Tommen. But mark my words: no Game of Thrones “villain” will evoke hatred quite like Ramsay from here on out.
Ramsay’s ability to troll is legendary. Jon made ALL SORTS of plans to fight the Boltons on his own terms. Yet it still took Ramsay maybe five minutes – presenting, then using Rickon for target practice – to make Jon completely lose his mind and play hero ball. 1 on 6,000 charge? F*ck it, what’s the worst that could happen in the Game of Thrones universe?
Oh wait. It’s Jon Snow. The luckiest son of a [mother not officially known] in Westeros. Outside of being a bastard.
Sansa Stark was the real star of this episode.
Telling Ramsay “You’re going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton. Sleep well,” before riding off and giving the Westerosi equivalent of a mic drop? 5 Points for House Stark.
Smirking when the Knights of the Vale arrived? 5 Points for House Stark (we’re going to take a couple of these back though for not telling Jon AND now being subject to whatever Littlefinger wants, but hey Ramsay died so there’s that).
Telling Ramsay “You’re about to be erased, also your cute little puppies ‘gon eatcha,”? 5 Points for House Stark.
Smirking after said feast of Cesar: Evil Bastard Remains? All the points for House Stark
Some other assorted Battle of the Bastard thoughts:
- Tormund likes to get HAMMERED the night before a battle. Seems like a terrible idea. Small mountains of dead bodies would probably lead to a lot of vom.
- As for Davos? He prefers long walks by the sacrificial pyre of a little girl he loved dearly. There will be a confrontation with Melisandre over this in the next episode. And I doubt she makes it out alive. Now that she’s revived Jon, what value does she have? Clearly not much. “Hey Meli, any advice?” “Don’t lose.” Thanks, witch.
- It wouldn’t be a Ramsay Bolton battle without Ramsay killing some of his own men with arrows. “LLLLLLLLLLLOOOOSE”
- The Bolton formation was pretty damn cool. “HOOO. HOOO.” Sweet chant guys.
- Not cool? The Wildling mosh pit it created. Walking through crowds is one of my least favorite activities, and now you know why
- On the piles of dead bodies: How did they get so big? How did everyone keep dying on top of each other?
- Badass: Wun Wun the Giant ripping a man in half.
- More badass: Tormund pulling a Mike Tyson on Smalljon Umber. HE BIT HIS NECK.
- Ramsay shoots Wun Wun first instead of Jon? No one thought it would be a good idea to shoot Wun Wun’s huge face? And Jon’s men just stand there while Ramsay is shooting arrows at Jon? WAKE UP PEOPLE.
- Hey . . . Rickon. WHY DID YOU RUN A STRAIGHT LINE
Sunday’s Thrones finale will be the show’s longest episode to date: 69 minutes. Unfortunately, it’s probably impossible for them to work all the show’s ongoing storylines into the episode. Time for some “I want to see this in the finale, K thanks” Power Rankings!
1. The White Walker Army: Where you been, bros?
2. King’s Landing: Will Cersei and Loras die? What was the rumor that Qyburn was talking to her about? Tyrion referencing the “Mad King” and his hidden wild fire might be a clue.
3. Mereen: There’s no one left to oppose Dany, right? Westeros time, girl.
4. Winterfell: So what exactly will Littlefinger get after helping out the Starks? He can pretty much ask for anything.
5. The Twins: We saw Walder Frey saying “The Lannisters and Freys give their regards” in the next episode preview. Some people are wondering if Jaime betrays the Freys. I think the odds of that are low, though. He wants to get back to King’s Landing to save Cersei.
6. Dorne: If they’re not in the finale, they never had a purpose in the show. My guess is that Varys left Dany and Tyrion in Mereen to negotiate some sort of alliance with them.
7. Wherever Euron Greyjoy Is: Are we in for a Greyjoy v Greyjoy & Dragons naval battle?
8. Wherever the Hound Is: I doubt it’ll be very interesting, but The Hound one liners are always enjoyable.
9. Wherever Bran Is: I only want flashbacks that confirm the R + L = J theory. Or any flashbacks. Bran’s subplot is pretty uninteresting other than that.
10. Wherever Arya Is: She had an unbeatable scene to wrap up her subplot this season, so I’m totally cool if we don’t see her in the finale.
9234. “Sam and Gilly do Oldtown! While Randyll Tarly chases them for stealing his sword!” Yeah, no thanks.
Other Random Thoughts:
Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57 and the Spoiler Alert podcast – available weekly on SportsRadio610.com and iTunes. Get in touch with Paul via email or his facebook page.