[Warning. There are so many spoilers ahead. So make sure you’ve seen the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Unless you’re a really weird person that prefers reading recaps of shows to actually watching them.]
Cue the music! Bam Bam . . . Bam Bam Bam Bam . . . Bam Bam Bam Bam . . .
GAME OF THRONES. BRO. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? WHY WERE YOU GO FOR SO LONG? I’VE BEEN WAITING . . . AND WAITING . . . AND NOW I’M AN OLD MAID!
It’s about damn time that season 6 kicked off. I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to wait to find out if Jon Snow is actually dead!
Oh wait. Nevermind. Here are my random thoughts from the season six premiere: “The Red Woman”
1. We still have no idea if Jon is dead for good. What we do know? Ser Davos, Ghost the direwolf, and a couple of other Crows are lingering in a room with Jon’s dead body. Meanwhile, Jon’s old bro Eddison Tollett has LIKELY gone to ask the Wildlings that Jon just let through the gates for help.
Inside Castle Black? Alliser Thorne just rationalized the murder to the rest of the Night’s Watch and has dead Jon’s dorm under guard. My biggest takeaway from that scene? How about the nerve of that little punk Olly? Anyone else notice him smirking up a storm? I know that “I f*cking hate Thenns” is a running gag on the show, but I’d love for one to cannibalize that little traitor.
I was frustrated that we’ve still got to wait to figure out Jon Snow’s fate. Unless he’s just dead and gone forever, which we now have to put back on the table. But the low point of the episode? Old, naked Melisandre.
She’s a master of illusions. Yet I still wonder what her magic can do, because her recent visions into the future haven’t panned out. Back in season 2 we saw her birth the shadow monster that killed Renley Baratheon. Can she top that parlor trick? We’ll see.
2. What a classic Ramsay Bolton scene. I was thrown through a loop when it seemed he was he mourning his ex boo thang Myranda. And then…
“Do you want her buried or burned, your grace?”
“Meh . . . feed her to the dogs”
That’s our Ramsay!
It wasn’t a good episode for the most evil bastard in the universe. Roose called him out for the games he played with Sansa Stark and Theon Greyjoy. And then pointed out that his pregnant wife might have a boy on the way . . . which would hurt Ramsay’s chances of inheritance.
The Boltons have played the game to perfection thus far. Up next for the Boltons? Sounds like they’ll march on Castle Black to recapture Sansa. I’m guessing she’ll head up to Castle Black with Brienne, Podrick and Theon to meet up with Jon. That’s going to turn out awkwardly . . .
PS – Brienne sounds like many . . . vocal female tennis players when she’s swinging that sword. Lots of grunting.
3. The Dornish went out of their way Sunday night to reinforce the stereotype that they’re a bunch of nut jobs.
There was one rational one: Prince Doran Martell. After Oberyn got killed by volunteering for a trial by combat, Doran tried to keep the loony Sand Snakes in line to maintain peace. So much for that. Ellaria Sand and her daughter (with Oberyn) Tyene killed Doran and his beast mode body guard Areo Hotah (with that sweet ass spear/axe THAT WE NEVER GOT TO SEE HIM USE) while Nym and Obara killed Doran’s son Trystane. None of the guards moved a muscle when Doran was stabbed to death. I’m guessing the Dornish weren’t particularly fond of him.
Meanwhile, Jaime and Cersei are pissed. Rightfully so. Cersei has got to be close to losing her mind. The Walk of shame. Two dead kids. And a prophecy that she’d bury all three. Between the Faith Militant, the Boltons (who married Sansa right under their noses), and the Dornish, they’ve got a list longer than Arya’s.
We only saw Maergaery for a brief moment in jail talking with the High Sparrow. Playing the good cop while that giant nun Unella plays the bad one.
I’m curious to see if the High Sparrow tries to get Marge on his side in some way. He’s been a little to pious for his own good thus far. Yeah, maybe he doesn’t want to play Westerosi politics.
4. Arya is blind and living on the streets. Is she there on her own? Or was she forced out of the House of Black and White? The latter seems true. The Waif – the other girl from the Faceless Men – comes out of nowhere, beats the hell out of her for a couple minutes with a bowstaff, and then says see you tomorrow. Blind and getting bludgeoned . . . Arya clearly had it worst this episode.
5. Don’t let Tyrion’s wiener joke to Varys fool you . . . things are getting quite chaotic in Mereen. The Sons of the Harpy just burned down the entire harbor, and there’s another red priest telling former slaves to burn everything else down. No one knows where Daenerys is. Ser Jorah and Daario Naharis have picked up on the clue, but Jorah’s grayscale is getting worse. Gross dude.
Meanwhile, it seems the mother of dragons has been taken captive by one chill horde of Dothraki. All you have to say is you used to be married to a Khal and you’ve suddenly got rights? Pretty unintimidating horde if you ask me.
Jim Mudd and I will discuss this all in more detail on the Spoiler Alert podcast. Make sure you give it a listen.
Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57 and the Spoiler Alert podcast – available weekly on SportsRadio610.com and iTunes. Get in touch with Paul via email or at his facebook page: Paul Gallant: SportsRadio610.