When I was in college about six years ago, my friends and I stumbled across a television show we’ll never forget. MTV’s Jersey Shore.
We didn’t just watch it once. We watched it many times. In fact, we may or may not have watched every single episode.
It wasn’t a good show. Nor was it a funny show. It just WAS. But for whatever reason, we all kept watching. And I don’t know why.
Maybe I was just ironically watching. (sure, Paul) Hate-watching? (riiiiiiiiiiight) Or, my feeble brain actually enjoyed it. (DING, DING, DING) No matter the reason, one thing is clear. I couldn’t avert my eyes from the train wreck. Just like I can’t stop staring at the 2015 Houston Texans.
I realized the Texans are nothing more than a hilarious mess right about HERE:
I mean come on. Between all of this . . .
- Fiedorowicz dropping the ball AND volleying it straight up into the air
- The Matt Schaub-esque turn of events
- Reshad Jones impersonating an actual Dolphin into the end zone
- The cherry on top: learning that pick 6 had ended a 5 drive streak of Texans’ three and outs
. . . even the most die-hard fan probably laughed, right?
Once the Texans were down 41 – 0 at the break, my interest level reached zero. After all, I’d already seen this twice before. In games against the Chiefs, Falcons, and now ‘Phins, Houston trailed a combined 96 – 9 at halftime.
Yeah, they’ve made the final scores respectable. But that doesn’t matter. The outcome is always. Backup quarterback Ryan Mallett’s personal life – showing up late to practice (alarm clocks, man) and missing team flights (that DAMN HOUSTON TRAFFIC) – is the perfect metaphor for the 2015 Texans: a team that’s never on time.
The worst part of the Texans’ struggles? I can’t quite check out. Only FOUR AFC teams have winning records, and none of them play in the AFC South. The Colts – who blew another game at home, this time to the Saints – are just a game ahead of the Texans. The Jaguars pulled even with the Texans after beating the Bills in London. And the Titans – who the Texans play next week – have just one win on the year.
TECHNICALLY, the post season is still possible. And for now, that spares us from diving into 2016 NFL Draft talk (if not the “THEY GOTTA FIRE X,Y,Z” conversation). But after a game like Sunday, would you even want the Texans to make the playoffs. Because they’ll just get embarrassed the way they did in Miami.
The second half doesn’t count when you trail 41 – 0 at halftime. Only one good thing happened Sunday: Keith Mumphery’s 41 yard kick return to open the game. A play shocking in two senses: the Texans actually busted a big return, and there were no
Eddie Pleasant flags involved. Hooray.
Also, J.J. Watt had two sacks. And Jadeveon Clowney had his first. Sweet.
First let’s start with the tackling. The Texans don’t know how to do that. Meaning all the Dolphins looked like this:
You’d think that Ryan Tannehill would have factored SOME HOW into one of his three 50+ yard touchdown passes. But he didn’t. His receivers – and a bunch of Texans’ whiffs – did all the work for him.
Pick a Texans player. ANY of them. Odds are, they missed at least one tackle. It would be one thing if Houston was struggling to bring down guys like Adrian Peterson. But when Jarvis Landry – who is pretty talented – looks like Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl . . .
And Rishard Matthews does too . . . you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
Oh yeah, the Dolphins actual running back? Lamar Miller? He averaged 12.5 yards per carry. And had an 85 yard touchdown run right before halftime thanks to more bad tackling and a horrendous angle by safety Raheem “The Dream” Moore.
Meanwhile, the Texans’ offensive line has NO idea how to run block. Arian Foster averaged 3.3 yards per carry before his achilles injury – a season ending, and possibly Texans’ career ending one – which sadly is his best average of the year. Bill O’Brien’s game of musical chairs in the trenches sure isn’t helping.
Oh yeah. While we’re still discussing the offensive line, this is the part where I remind you that the Texans drafted Xavier Su’a Filo – who apparently is a real football player (45 snaps Sunday) – over Derek Carr.
The Texans’ tight ends? That group might be the team’s worst unit. Garrett Graham and C.J. Fiedorowicz saw a combined 6 targets . . . and caught 0 of them. Each had AT LEAST one drop, if not multiple.
The Texans have tons of other issues. The biggest? Coaching.
This was not a great weekend for the George O’Leary coaching tree. O’Leary resigned after the University of Houston beat his Central Florida Knights 59 – 10. Meanwhile, Bill O’Brien and Texans offensive coordinator George Godsey – who were both assistant coaches for O’Leary at Georgia Tech and Central Florida respectively – opened up Sunday with 5 straight three and outs and a pick six.
On top of that? The 2015 Texans defense may have been the most over-hyped defense of all-time. Part of that was fostered by Hard Knocks. But the rest? That’s squarely on defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel. Forget his schemes. And forget the lack of turnovers. His unit CAN’T EVEN TACKLE, let alone take good angles to GET those tackles.
When you trail 41 – 0 at halftime, a head must roll. So whose head will it be? Will any Texans coach get the axe Monday? How about a player? Or will the 2015 Texans’ do what Gary Kubiak’s Texans’ did: shrug their shoulders and move on to the next week? It should be an interesting next 24 hours.
Paul Gallant co-hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or at his facebook page: Paul Gallant: SportsRadio610.