By John P. Lopez

There are 39 football-playing colleges and universities in Texas by my count. Some define “playing” more liberally than others, of course.

So we must rank them. Because Texas.

  1. Baylor Bears. About 98-percent of what the Bears have done this year has been magical. They’ve been great at everything. Except, of course, that whole keeping an alleged (and subsequently convicted) rapist in the program thing.
  2. TCU Horned Frogs. After throwing five TDs against the rival Longhorns, rest-assured Trevone was Boykin all night. Boykin real good.
  3. Texas A&M Aggies. If making opposing quarterbacks pee their pants is cool, consider Myles Garrett Miles Davis.
  4. Houston Cougars. Every Coog fan just wants to hear those three little words from the Tom-inator: “I’ll be back.” But Tom Herman is so good, he’ll be wooed far and wide. And soon.
  5. Texas Tech Red Raiders. Love the guy, but Kliff Kingsbury just, “got his ass kicked two weeks in a row,” a la Bret Bielema.
  6. University of Texas (San Antonio). The Roadrunners have been more competitive against Big 12 competition than the Longhorns. They’ve mastered Twitter, too.
  7. Midwestern State. The Mustangs’ most famous alumnus is Dr. Phil. The game is 90-percent mental. They’re 5-0. Coincidence?
  8. Hardin-Simmons Cowboys. Undefeated and two of their notable alumni, meanwhile, are Dan Blocker (“Hoss” from Bonanza) and Fess Parker (TV’s Daniel Boone). That’s just badass.
  9. Baylor Bears 4th-stringers: You know, those guys that hop around on the sideline? The ones laughing, with their hands in the air like they just don’t care? Those guys. They’d probably beat all but the above-mentioned college football teams in Texas.
  10. (tie) The University of Texas (Austin) and Texas A&M (Commerce): Both teams were involved in absolute routs Saturday. The ‘Horns got drubbed by TCU, while the Lions destroyed Tarleton State 63-0. On a neutral field, Vegas says it’s a pick-‘em.