In “The B-Straw and Pauly G Bracket”, Paul Gallant and Brien Straw create tournaments – in the world of sports and beyond – where only one can prevail. They accept listener and reader nominations every week, announcing the topic every Monday at 9 PM CT on “B-Straw and Pauly G”.
This week’s topic was inspired by a classic Paul Gallant Saturday. My travels took me far and wide across the Houston bar scene: from the mysterious bars of Downtown Houston . . . through the bro-tastic lands of Washington Ave. . . . and ultimately a Karaoke bar.
Karaoke CAN be a pretty rad time. But just like in Fight Club, there are rules.
And these jabrone arche-types below? They’re the rule breakers.
1. “Overzealous Camp Counselor”
You know this type. Karaoke is their life. A pity, since this burning passion hasn’t resulted in matching talent. But please, for the love of God don’t tell them that.
“Not that good? Excuse me, I was in every single musical production my high school put on.”
“Oh yeah? In what roles?”
“That’s not the point . . . ”
Not only does this person show pony up a storm – usually via interpretive dancing – when they’re upstage, they also KEEP GOING ON STAGE. As in they’re singing EVERY OTHER SONG. Basically, they’re the opening act at a concert. But a rogue opening act. The kind that kidnaps the headliner, locks them in a trunk, and plays for 3 hours too long.
2. “Fifteen People Singing . . . But a Mic? Just One”
They went up to stage thinking they’d have a swell time. Little did they know that a battle to the death was about to unfold. A war for control of one microphone.
Here is the Paul Gallant rule for Group Karaoke. Any more than 2 . . . and you’re done. Trust us, you are not this:
You are this:
3. “The Warbling Ear Drum Wrecker”
If you’ve got the balls to go on stage and sing some karaoke, all the props in the world to you.
That said, if you’re especially bad, I reserve the right to laugh at your misfortune. Because as a master people watcher, peanut gallery champion, and honorary member of the Player Hater’s Ball, I won’t be able to help myself.
4. “The Depressing Song Destroyer Of Fun”
We get it. You’re down in the dumps. And that’s why you SHOULD be here in the first place. To cheer yourself up. So please, DON’T F*CKING BRING US DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL.
5. “The Hipster”
“Hey man, have you heard of _X_”
“Wow man, you clearly have no taste in music. You’ve got to hear what your missing!”
“It’s the 9th song on this underground album that _X_ made back in ’94. This was before the singer and guitarist left . . . and _X_ became a couple of conformist suits.”
Hipster fellah tells Karaoke King to play _X_, Listener fellah leaves.
“Mumbles” sings all songs, but the rap game really sets them a part.
Yeah, you might love that Tupac or Eminem song. But be real with yourself. Can you actually keep up with their pacing? Or do you speak Pig Latin until “Slim Shady . . . rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble . . . Mid ’80s . . . . blah blah blah blah . . . It’s O.K. go with him Haley”?
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
7. “This Song Again . . . “
Forever banished from Paul Gallant Karaoke Night, punishable by BEING FIRED INTO THE SUN:
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
8. “The Ringer”
There is nothing wrong with this guy at all. In fact, he’s a bleeping legend. The sad thing . . . he makes us all realize truly awful we are at singing/everything in general.
I’ve seen this guy at Spotlight Karaoke right here in town. He SOUNDS EXACTLY like Sinatra.
CURSE YOUR AWESOMENESS, SIR.
Listener and reader nominations will be accepted until Thursday at midnight. Friday at 9 PM CT on “B-Straw and Pauly G”, a bracket will be created, and a “Championship” will be won.
Paul Gallant co-hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or at his facebook page: Paul Gallant: SportsRadio610.
[twitter-follow screen_name=’GallantSays’ show_count=’yes’]
Brien Straw also co-hosts “B-Straw and Pauly G” – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. Get in touch with Brien via email.
[twitter-follow screen_name=’BStrawRadio’ show_count=’yes’]