In “The B-Straw and Pauly G Bracket”, Paul Gallant and Brien Straw create tournaments – in the world of sports and beyond – where only one can prevail. They accept listener and reader nominations every week, announcing the topic every Monday at 9 PM CT on “B-Straw and Pauly G”.
This week’s topic was inspired by Cavaliers Matthew Dellavedova being one scrappy . . . you know what. We ask you the following: what kind of basketball player is the most obnoxious to play with in a pickup game?
1. “You Fouled Me, Bro”
NBA Doppelgänger: Chris Paul
In a game ruled by the honor system, this player has none.
Swat his shot? “Bro, you got my hand.” Swipe the ball? “HEY Bro, that’s a reach!” Blow past him towards the hoop? He’ll take a charge, AND have the gall to call said charge while the rest of the players scratch their heads in bewilderment.
2. The One Man Offense
NBA Doppelgänger: Dion Waiters
One Man Offense: “I’m open. Yo, I’m open. I’M OPENNNNNNNNNNNNNN.”
His teammate proceeds to hit a three.
[5 seconds later]
One Man Offense: “Hey bro, I don’t know what you were doing back there . . .”
One Man Offense: “. . . but I was wide the bleep open. So how about YOU OPEN YOUR EYES.”
3. Destroyer of Stereotypes
NBA Doppelgänger: Austin Rivers
There are few things more awkward than the team selection phase before a pickup basketball game. Unless you came with a group of friends, odds are you have no idea who’s good, and who . . . isn’t.
Naturally, this is where stereotypes take over. Race is the obvious one: thus this movie. But I’m going in a different direction. See Austin Rivers.
- His Dad played the same position for 13 years in the NBA
- He played college ball at Duke
- And he was a top 10 pick (10th, 2012 Draft)
Shouldn’t this guy be . . . better at basketball than what you saw in the gif above?
This applies to all sorts of players. The hefty guy that no one respects . . . until he’s hit 4 wide open 3s. The big man who stands outside the 3 point line instead of sitting in the post. The athletic looking player . . . who has clearly never played basketball. And many more.
4. The “Hardo”
NBA Doppelgänger: Matthew Dellavedova
“Hey Chief. Love your effort. But here you are trying to re-live those glory days – also, to perhaps kill yourself – while I’m
shaking off a hangover just trying to have fun. Lighten up.”
[5 seconds later]
GIF: Matt Dellavedova rolled up on Kyle Korver’s leg diving for a loose ball pic.twitter.com/xTC7h8G4xs
— The Cauldron (@TheCauldron) May 23, 2015
PS: I (Paul Gallant) classify myself as this kind of player. Sorry, not sorry.
5. Cagey Old Man
NBA Doppelgänger: Pablo Prigioni
Technically, this guy should fall in the “Destroyer of Stereotypes” archetype. At least until he starts yanking at your shorts, throwing little elbows, among other
dickish ingenious tactics. Those ploys give him an edge where his past mid-life crisis did not.
6. The Goon
NBA Doppelgänger: Kendrick Perkins
I mean, he’s actively trying to hurt people in the midst of a game played for fun. It’s rare that you actually find someone who plays like this. But when you do, things will get out of hand . . . and fast.
This archetype has a more common sub-category: The Klutz. Klutzes are benevolent bruisers that know not what they do. They’re like bulls in a china shop smashing every other player – accidentally (they say at least) to smithereens . . . followed by a stream of apologies. Typically, he either played football back in the day OR just lacks any semblance of motor control.
7. The Peacock
NBA Doppelgänger: Chris Anderson
To Chris Anderson’s credit, he’s only a peacock because of his tattoo addiction.
On the other hand, pickup hoop’s Mr. Peacock sports more accessories than Batman.
- Headband: Check.
- Wristbands: Check.
- Rubber Bracelets that somehow show over the wristbands: Check.
- Arm Sleeve: Check. Two of them.
- Leg Sleeve: 1 – Yes they exist. 2 – OBVIOUSLY he’s “rocking” two more.
- Protective Face-mask: Why not?
- Goggles OVER the Protective Face-mask: “Kurt Rambis is my idol, bro.”
8. WHAT ARE YOU DOING BRO
NBA Doppelgänger: Jeremy Lin
This is the guy NO ONE wants to play with.
He might not even be the worst player on the court (much like Jeremy Lin, who gets a worse rap than he deserves). But every time this archetype tries to do something, it ends in TRAGEDY. Blocked shots. Ugly turnovers. Lackadaisical defense. Broken ankles. After a few fails from this fellah, you’d prefer him to stand in a corner while your team plays 4 on 5.
Did we miss any kind of player that bothers you? Then let us know. Listener and reader nominations will be accepted until Thursday at midnight. Friday at 9 PM CT on “B-Straw and Pauly G”, a bracket will be created, and a “Championship” will be won.
Paul Gallant co-hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or at his facebook page: Paul Gallant: SportsRadio610.
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Brien Straw also co-hosts “B-Straw and Pauly G” – weeknights 7-11 PM on SportsRadio 610. Get in touch with Brien via email.
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