We are having a contest at the station for which host can get the most clicks on posts to their blogs. We’ve been at it for several weeks and frankly, things are not going well for me. I do have several things working against me, including the fact that I haven’t submitted any articles.
In an attempt to catch up, I submit to you this a blatant click bait: Why Your Team Needs Tim Tebow. Today we’ll hit the AFC.
Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars don’t need Tebow so much as the city needs Tebow. Why does the city need Tebow? Because every time somebody from Jacksonville announces a rally demanding that the Jaguars sign Tebow it makes the city look bad. Then when nobody shows up to the rally, it makes it look like Jacksonville can’t pull an audience.
I was on vacation in Jacksonville Beach last year, and I spent 37 minutes trapped in a laundromat listening to a guy sing original songs he had written about Tebow. He also launched into a verbal attack on “those goons in the media that have an agenda against him.” When he asked me what I did for a living, I naturally told him I was a fighter pilot. Thankfully that shifted the conversation to chem trails.
Tennessee Titans. GM Ruston Webster has got to go. This might be just the roster move that gets it done. Also, Marcus Mariota is kind of bland. Nothing spices things up like a shirtless photo-op, and Tebow’s just the guy to show Marcus how to make it look unplanned.
Indianapolis Colts. Tebow may have talked some sense into GM Ryan Grigson before he tattled on the Patriots. Tebow knows that sometimes you just gotta take your whoopins like a man, and that instead of crying about it you make an impassioned speech (while crying) that ends up on a plaque in your locker room.
Houston Texans. We’ve also seen that O’Brien’s not afraid to mix it up with some Wildcat action. Ideally you’d have a guy like Arian Foster, who can throw, but Tebow will do in a pinch.
New England Patriots. The Patriots were never involved in a ball deflating scandal while Tebow was there. Fact.
Buffalo Bills. Rex Ryan thinks he can win a Super Bowl with an awesome defense and a ham sandwich at quarterback. Tebow’s religious beliefs allow him to eat ham.
New York Jets. The first time was there he almost completed a pretty nice pass against the Texans. I dare say it was almost a really nice pass. But alas…almost.
Miami Dolphins. Offensive coordinator Bill Lazor was the QB coach for Chip Kelly in Philly. Chip Kelly wants to be as good as Belichick. Like Belichick, he must prove that he can pawn off his sloppy seconds to his proteges.
San Diego Chargers. Legendary procreator Philip Rivers (7 children!) would shame Tebow into settling down and getting after it in the procreatin’ game.
Oakland Raiders. If Mark Davis wants to separate himself from his father, he needs to sign Tebow. Tebow could set a new tone for the franchise, and also refer Mark to a good barber. Or any barber at all. Anything but the the flowbee and bangs scenario he’s got working now.
Kansas City Chiefs. I love it when commentators act like they’re the only one’s that know Alex Smith is fast. “People don’t realize it, but Alex Smith is a very good runner.” We play fantasy football and watch football games–we realize that Alex Smith is fast. We also realize that Tebow’s not actually all that fast by NFL standards.
Shoot, I’m supposed to be making a case for sending him here. Andy Reid took a chance on Vince Young. Why not take a chance on Tebow? (Counterargument: Vince Young)
Denver Broncos. Kubiak’s down home sensibilities and love of the bootleg make this a perfect match. Does Tebow harbor any ill will that the organization replaced him with Manning? Not a chance. He’s a bad quarterback, not an idiot.
Cleveland Browns. Can we be 100% certain he hasn’t already started for them at some point?
Pittsburgh Steelers. I have no doubt that Ben Roethlisberger would take Tebow under his wing and thoroughly corrupt him.
Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens have a long and storied tradition of sound personnel decisions. Frankly, I’m getting kind of tired of it.
Cincinnati Bengals. Owner Mike Brown is a notorious tightwad. Signing Tebow at minimum salary on the condition that Tebow join the Church of Mike Brown and tithe regularly is an unassailable tax strategy. Just be sure Goodell gets a taste.