Fun fact: We’re already 6 weeks through the NFL season.

Another fun fact: We’re 3 episodes into season 4 of Homeland, and it appears we won’t be wasting another season to move on from stale, boring characters! Hooray!

6 divided by 2 is 3. 2 times 2 is 4. So obviously, we’ve gotta make this week’s rankings Homeland themed. Those transitions: why they pay me the big bucks.

*** Pauly’s Note: This show has by far the worst available selection of clips on Youtube. Come on, oh ShowtimeThe Mothership, All Seeing Eye. [REDACTED]

Dana Brody
103. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1-5 (LW: 27)

31. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-6 (LW: 40)
30. Oakland Raiders 0-5 (LW: 73)
29. Tennessee Titans 2-4 (LW: 30)
28. Washington Redskins 1-5 (LW: 25)
27. New York Jets 1-5 (LW: 29)
26. Minnesota Vikings 2-4 (LW: 26)
25. St. Louis Rams 1-4 (LW: 30)

Raise your hand if you – like Dana – wanted Dana to remain alive and part of the show for 2.5 seasons…

I’m waiting. Watch the entire link for the full effect.

Dana was such an awful character – with the constant sassing and unnecessary moodiness she brought in every single episode – that served as filler material for a drawn out story line involving her dad. That in mind, it brought me great joy to see her drop out of school to become a janitor at a crappy local motel.

None of these teams have any value to society. Boom roasted. NEXT.

PS: This parody nails Dana:

 

The Walden Family
24. Atlanta Falcons 2-4 (LW: 16)
23. New Orleans Saints 2-3 (LW: 23)
22. Miami Dolphins 2-3 (LW: 24)
21. New York Giants 3-3 (LW: 15)

They’ve got a lot of power – entirely due to Vice President William Walden. But boy…were they run horribly from top to bottom.

  • Will chose a turned soldier with P.T.S.D. to be his future V.P.
  • Cynthia chose to name her son Finn
  • Finn is attracted to the Dana
  • Also, Finn killed a guy…and his ‘rents paid the victim to STFU.

 

How do you resolve the problem of poor leadership in the NFL? You blow things up.

No, not literally like the Waldens ended up. As in you FIRE people. Falcons coach Mike Smith, Saints D.C. Rob Ryan, Dolphins coach Joe Philbin, and Giants coach Tom Coughlin better figure out their consistency issues fast.

Nicholas Brody
20. Buffalo Bills 3-3 (LW: 20)

19. Pittsburgh Steelers 3-3 (LW: 13)
18. Detroit Lions 4-2 (LW: 21)
17. Houston Texans 3-3 (LW: 17)
16. Cleveland Browns 3-2 (LW: 22)
15. Carolina Panthers 3-2-1 (LW: 18)
14. Kansas City Chiefs 2-3 (LW: 14)
13. Chicago Bears 3-3 (LW: 19)

Brody – played by Damian Lewis – wasn’t supposed to make it to season 2. Let alone to the end of season 3. But Lewis did such a great job acting, he got an extended stay.

Brody’s storyline was INCREDIBLE in season 1. But the on again/off again relationship with Carrie grew tiresome…and ultimately turned plenty of people away from the show.

Something tells me we’ll be feeling this way about ALL these teams by the end off the year. They aren’t bad, and they’ve impressed in spurts. I just have a hard time thinking they’ll be impressive enough to last with the big boys for a full season.

Peter Quinn
12. Cincinnati Bengals 3-1-1 (LW: 7)

11. Baltimore Ravens 4-2 (LW: 12)
10. New England Patriots 4-2 (LW: 10)
9. San Francisco 49ers 4-2 (LW: 10)
8. Indianapolis Colts 4-2 (LW: 8)
7. Green Bay Packers 4-2 (LW: 4)
6. Arizona Cardinals 4-1 (LW: 9)

When Quinn isn’t passed out drunk by his pool and letting his landlord take advantage of him, he’s a killing machine. Unfortunately, we’re seeing a lot more of the former this season. Red flag.

I consider these teams playoff caliber. But they all have just enough problems for me to say a Super Bowl would be…surprising.

Carrie Mathison
5. Seattle Seahawks 3-2 (LW: 1)
4. Philadelphia Eagles 5-1 (LW: 6)
3. Denver Broncos 4-1 (LW: 2)

Carrie is a complete nut job. Totally off her rocker. But damn, is she good at her job. Seattle, Philly, and Denver aren’t perfect…but they’re still 3 teams that NO ONE wants to play.

Saul Berenson
2. San Diego Chargers 5-1 (LW: 3)

1. Dallas Cowboys 5-1 (LW: 11)

Saul is the best. It ain’t close. And surprisingly, these are your top two teams going into week 7. If Rivers and Murray can keep it going…they might have a chance.

Week 6: The Walking Dead
Week 5: Nic Cage’s Crazy Train
Week 4: Liam Neeson’s Fists
Week 3: Star Wars
Week 2: Boardwalk Empire
Week 1: Game of Thrones

Paul Gallant hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – with Brien Straw. Get in contact with Paul on Twitter – @PaulyGSays – or on Facebook – Paul Gallant.
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