I started off my themed rankings using two HBO shows I’m especially fond of: Game of Thrones & Boardwalk Empire. From there, I drifted to Star Wars, Liam Neeson, and eventually Nicolas Cage. So it’s time to get back to being…current.
This one is out late, with Thursday Night Football – a surprisingly entertaining edition despite the Texans loss – already having gone down. My excuse: with the Walking Dead re-booting Sunday on AMC, this HAD to be the theme. And since it took me until Thursday afternoon to catch up on season 4 (thank you Netflix), my excuse is valid.
…NO, I didn’t procrastinate…
73. Oakland Raiders 0-4 (LW: 73)
40. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-5 (LW: 31)
Loony-bat Lizzie is by far the worst character in the entire show, and it’s not even close.
- She’s convinced the zombies are still people. HEY IDIOT, LOOK AT THEIR BLEEPING SKIN.
- And that they want to play with her. If by “play” you mean “rip you limb from limb/devour your liver/face”, then you’re right.
- She feeds the damn things, and basically gives the entire prison the Ebola.
- Also, she stabbed her little sister to death to prove a point.
They say save the children. Yeah, okay. Carol, the floor is yours.
Unfortunately, the NFL does not have a Carol for the Raiders/Jaguars problem.
30. Tennessee Titans 1-4 (LW: 28)
29. New York Jets 1-4 (LW: 27)
28. St. Louis Rams 1-3 (LW: 30)
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 1-4 (LW: 29)
She wasn’t quite Lizzie material, but this “Mother of the Year” is easily the second worst character of the series
, and definitely deserved this death. Maybe if you weren’t always busy nagging everyone or getting down with Shane, Carl wouldn’t almost die every 5 minutes.
These four teams aren’t quite as unwatchable as the two above. Still, at least you could feel some sympathy for Lizzie. After all, she’s a crazy child…just like the Raiders are the Raiders and the Jags are the Jags.
The Titans, Jets, Rams and Bucs are exceptionally inept teams…and prove that ineptitude in the most boring of ways. NEXT.
26. Minnesota Vikings 2-3 (LW: 22)
25. Washington Redskins 1-4 (LW: 26)
I’ll give Hershel this: when the world went to hell, he didn’t lose himself. Unfortunately, it sure as hell didn’t save him.
The Vikings have floated on without Adrian Peterson and WITH a rookie quarteback. A rookie quarterback that’ll probably be pretty damn good in the future. And even though the Redskins are a joke for celebrating a 10 point home loss to the defending Super Bowl champions, they’ve been better than expected with no Robert Griffin III.
That said, they’re still getting guillotined at the end of the year.
24. Miami Dolphins 2-2 (LW: 24)
Carl: the reason parents started using leashes on their children. The fact that he’s survived this long is as crazy as Joe Philbin still being a head coach after:
- The Incognito fiasco last year
- Crapping on his starting quarterback weeks ago
Hell, the Phish are even at .500 despite Knowshon Moreno and his massive tear ducts missing all but one game. Congratulations Carl/Joe, no one respects you anyway. Go back to your pudding.
23. New Orleans Saints 2-3 (LW: 19)
In this post-Zombie-apocalypse world, you’d think the ruthless, cold, d-bag characters of the show would have prevailed. So I’m STILL shocked Shane couldn’t even make it to season 3. Must have been the lice.
The Saints are a late rally away from being 1-4…and having lost to the Bucs. Luckily for them, the NFC South is still a cupcake buffet. But you wouldn’t know it from Drew Brees’ early struggles.
22. Cleveland Browns 2-2 (LW: 23)
Carol was a softee early in the show. No more. In fact, she’s probably the person I’d least want to deal with. Kind on the surface. Ruthless – burning people to death and shooting children in the head – on the inside.
The Browns are the NFL’s Carol. Yes, they’re still the Browns, but they’ve been respectable in EVERY game this season. When’s the last time you could say that? Plus, Brian Hoyer isn’t a bad quarterback. Imagine how much better he could get when Josh Gordon returns from suspension after week 10?
PS – They pulled off the largest road comeback IN NFL HISTORY last week.
21. Detroit Lions 3-2 (LW: 7)
This guy is a complete mess in season four. He goes from dating Karen – which certainly ain’t bad – to the following:
- Finding out Karen was burnt to death
- Rick beats the piss out of him
- The prison getting overtaken, and he gets stuck with someone else’s infant.
- Oh, and he has to take care of Lizzie when he finds her.
- Even better, he meets up with Carol – who he trusts implicitly – even though Carol killed his boo
- Sees Lizzie stabbed Mika to death, then watches Carol kill Mika
- And then Carol told him she killed Karen
So basically, Tyreese goes from going down to freaky-town on the reg with Karen…to traveling across a zombie overrun countryside with someone else’s baby and the person who murdered his girlfriend. Awesome!
The Lions are going through a similar mess. Calvin Johnson suffered an ankle injury, and their old coach Jim Schwartz – now the Bills defensive coordinator – got carried off the field after beating them in Detroit. A game where their kicker missed three field goals.
20. Buffalo Bills 3-2 (LW: 25)
19. Chicago Bears 2-3 (LW: 12)
18. Carolina Panthers 3-2 (LW: 21)
Beth may actually be dead after getting kidnapped last season. Still, the fact she made it this far is a bit absurd. After that waste of an episode – the one where she forces Daryl on a quest to get bleep-faced – I’d be perfectly okay with her never returning.
All three of these teams have some redeeming qualities. But 8 combined wins between the 3…how the hell did that happen?
17. Houston Texans 3-3 (LW: 17)
16. Atlanta Falcons 2-3 (LW: 15)
15. New York Giants 3-2 (LW: 16)
14. Kansas City Chiefs 2-3 (LW: 14)
I know little about Eugene…other than his legendary one liners/mullet. But, I do know I want to see more of him.
I feel the same about these four, who have been incredibly inconsistent:
- J.J. Watt may be a legit M.V.P. candidate, but can the Texans challenge for the playoffs with Fitzpatrick under center?
- What are the Falcons? An offensive machine powered by Matt Ryan? Or the Mike Smith led patsies that were blown out by the Vikings and a rookie QB?
- Eli and the Giants have won three straight. Can he avoid making mistakes in back to back road NFC East games? (Philly this week, Dallas in 2).
- And who are the Chiefs? The team that massacred the Patriots on national TV? Or the squad that easily gave the Titans their only win?
13. Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2 (LW: 18)
12. Baltimore Ravens 3-2 (LW: 5)
11. Dallas Cowboys 4-1 (LW: 13)
I don’t know if I’m supposed to love or hate you. You’re a racist jackass with a pirate hook for an arm, and treat your brother like crap. Yet you’ve actually got some sneaky redeeming qualities. Are you a villain or a hero bro?
I’m dead, bro.
PS – RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNN #BRAINS
I’m not buying Cowboys stock just yet. If they’re respectable against the Seahawks Sunday, THEN I’ll buy in. As for the Steelers and Ravens, they’re nauseatingly inconsistent. The odds of me buying into either before the end of the year are slim.
10. New England Patriots 3-2 (LW: 20)
Bob was getting wasted every day. And to his credit, had a damn good method to his madness. And then, he found the gang! Life-changer!
The Patriots seem to have figured things out as well…and all it took was
the Bengals sh*tting their pants in classic “Bengals in Primetime!” form a shift on the offensive line. Rob Gronkowski looks alive again, as did Tim Wright, who the Pats traded former All-Pro guard Logan Mankins for.
The big question going forward: can the Patriots run the ball like that for the next 11 games? Especially against the Bills this weekend? I’m skeptical. And to continue their offensive success, that needs to happen.
9. Arizona Cardinals 3-1 (LW: 4)
8. Indianapolis Colts 4-2 (LW: 11)
Abraham also played “Bull” in Band of Brothers. I’d think he’s a badass no matter how many zombies he took down. Bruce Arians and Andrew Luck give me that same feeling with the Cardinals and Colts respectively.
But both teams have limitations: like tons of injuries in Arizona and the Colts’ lack of…talent. Just like per Eugene, Abraham apparently ain’t that smart.
7. Cincinnati Bengals 3-1 (LW: 3)
For the most part…Andrea is a zombie killing machine. But she has a big weakness. One that ends up taking her down. She’s got a little bit of a thing for…I don’t know…evil psychopaths.
The Bengals have all the talent in the world. In fact, you could make a compelling argument that they’re the most talented team in the NFL. Yet they ALWAYS find a way to shrink on the big stage – whether in the playoffs or in prime time football. Their blowout loss against the Patriots was no exception.
You can blame Marv Lewis (6-18 in “prime time”…aka playoff and night games) or Andy Dalton (2-10 in prime time). That blame though, is irrelevant. All that matters is this: until they prove themselves in big games, no one will take Cincy seriously as a Super Bowl contender.
6. Philadelphia Eagles 4-1 (LW: 10)
5. San Francisco 49ers 3-2 (LW: 9)
Daryl’s probably the best killer on the show. Crossbows? Pretty sweet. But the guy has some serious internal issues.
The Eagles – with that offense…and Nick Foles – and 49ers – with Colin Kaepernick’s talent…and inconsistency – are in that same boat. One day Daryl will bail your ass out. The next, he’s joining a bunch of D-Bags obsessed with the word “claim”.
4. Green Bay Packers 3-2 (LW: 8)
Michonne is pretty damn handy with that katana. But she’s a lone wolf…a la Lone Wolf McQuade. Do lone wolves even not die, bro?
We’ll find that out with Aaron Rodgers as the season continues. Eddie Lacy’s re-emergence the past two weeks is certainly a positive sign. Still, if you’re a Packers fan, there is only one thing you trust on this team. Not McCarthy. Not the defense. Just #12.
PS – Lone Wolves die when they run out of beer.
3. San Diego Chargers 4-1 (LW: 6)
Glenn = the only character on the show that is impossible to hate. He’s just a righteous dude, whether saving Rick in Atlanta, going in the zombie well, or sneaking condoms into his survival pack at the pharmacy and then getting laid. And despite facing more crap than just about every character in the show, he’s still alive. Sing it with me!
Is it possible to hate the Chargers? Maybe, but only if you hate Philip Rivers. Which actually isn’t that hard to do. All I’ll say is this: I – hater of many things – enjoy watching them.
2. Denver Broncos 3-1 (LW: 2)
Would the Governor kill this puppy?
1. Seattle Seahawks (LW: 1)
Don’t mess with Rick, bro.
How good are Seahawks? The Redskins were extremely jubilant – to the point that they pissed Jay Gruden off – after losing by 10 AT HOME to the ‘Hawks. A game where outside of Russell Wilson, Seattle played a D+ game.
Paul Gallant hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – with Brien Straw. Get in contact with Paul on Twitter – @PaulyGSays – or on Facebook – Paul Gallant.
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