Breaking News: Liam Neeson just released another action movie where he’s a killing machine out for revenge. Is A Walk Among The Tombstones a good flick? Probably not. But will I go and see it?
Liam Neeson’s career has been pretty interesting. Is he a great actor? Yes. See Schindler’s List. Still, how bizarre is it that at age 56 Neeson became an action movie badass?
It started with Taken. Then there was The A-Team. And after that, he kicked ass in The Grey, Taken 2, Non-Stop, and A Walk Among The Tombstones. On the horizon: Run All Night – in which an aging hitman “is forced to take on his brutal former boss to protect his estranged son and his family, and Taken 3 – see Taken, Taken 2.
Neeson is 62 now. And somehow he pulls it off. So in honor of his status as THE action movie hero du jour, this week’s power rankings were inspired by him.
Way to ruin The Old Republic, bro.
106. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-3 (LW: 29)
As you saw in last week’s rankings, Qui Gonn Jinn was a terrible Jedi Knight. Mediocre mind tricks, getting killed by some sort of Goth, and discovering the whiny little child that would one day destroy peace in the galaxy…good job, good effort Qui Gonn.
You couldn’t say either good job or good effort after the Bucs pooped their pants up and down the field against the Falcons. That was one of the most embarrassing defeats I’ve ever seen. And until the Bucs cease to be a total joke, out of the top 32 they’ll remain.
31. Oh…So NOW You’ll Give Me The Pink Elephant
Jacksonville Jaguars 0-3 (LW: 31)
I felt exactly like old Liam above with the Jaguars REFUSING to put Blake Bortles in for Chad Henne. Jacksonville did jack-diddly-poo offensively for 2.5 weeks with the Chad – a quarterback that has only played well against the Texans.
Bortles excelled in the preseason. And based off of what I’d heard out of Jacksonville, he’d earned the starting gig going into the year. With Bortles the starter the rest of the season, I expect the Jags to trend upward.
Soft Liam Neeson, WITH A Pony-tail
30. St. Louis Rams 1-2 (LW: 27)
29. Oakland Raiders 0-3 (LW: 32)
28. Tennessee Titans 1-2 (LW: 26)
The pony tail worked for Liam about as well as the idea to make a fifth Harry Callahan movie. And just like a fifth edition in the Dirty Harry series, I have no desire to ever watch ANY of these three teams for the rest of the season.
The Bucs are at least un-intentionally hilarious. The Jags have Bortles. These three yawners have squat.
I’m Bad At My Job, So Bail Me Out
27. Minnesota Vikings 1-2 (LW: 22)
You’d think the king of the gods would be able to solve his problems without turning towards a mortal. Zeus: the Albert Haynesworth of Greek deities.
I’m surprised the Vikings took so long to turn to Teddy Bridgewater. Matt Cassell was a train-wreck the first two games. It shouldn’t have taken Cassell breaking his foot to make the switch. Especially with the added distraction of Adrian Peterson. Why not make a move earlier to at least momentarily deflect attention away from that whole mess?
Regardless, the move was made. Giving us a chance to keep an eye on Bridgewater, Carr, and Bortles for the rest of the year. I bet there will be a lot of second guessing…
Runaway Train, Never Goin’ Back
26. Miami Dolphins (LW: 18)
Runaway on a Classic Miami track…
I still don’t understand why the Dolphins brought Joe Philbin back. Because the way he is handling Ryan Tannehill right now – raising questions about whether he’s the quarterback going forward TO THE MEDIA – seems like another great way for Miami to re-create last year’s locker room chaos. Tannehill hasn’t been up to par, but this could’ve been handled privately. And it’s not like Matt Moore is a better option under center either…
Good Cop/Bad Cop
25. New York Giants 1-2 (LW: 30)
7 times out of 10 this year, the Giants will be…bad. And not in the terrifying way like Liam Neeson was as a bad cop lego. Bad as in “Mad Men is a BAD show.”
They stunk against the Lions. They choked to the Cardinals and backup QB Drew Stanton. And for a quarter against the Texans, they couldn’t get out of their own way.
Then – over the next 45 minutes – Eli got into a groove, Rashad Jennings gashed the Texans on the ground, and New York’s front four dominated Ryan Fitzpatrick and kept the running game under wraps.
Give the Jets and Browns this: while they’re proudly continuing their franchise traditions of losing in epic fashion, they’ve at least done so respectively.
You’ve got to wonder though, is it time for either team to consider a QB change? For the Jets, that time is approaching. Geno is better than he was last season, but with every bad throw he makes (and there are many) Michael Vick looks that much more appetizing.
Meanwhile, Brian Hoyer has been efficient and has yet to throw an interception. And he has a cupcake buffet in front of him (@ Titans, Steelers, @ Jaguars, Raiders, Bucs) after a tough first three weeks. Still, if he struggles against any of those garbage teams – Pittsburgh excluded – going forward, the Johnny Manziel hype might push him out of the driver’s seat.
If Liam Neeson Fought Ernie…
22. Kansas City Chiefs (LW: 25)
…It would be like playing against the Titans.
Another reason to bring back Celebrity Deathmatch: square off Liam Neeson with Sesame Street characters. I want Brian Mills v Big Bird! I want Ottway v Snuffaluffagus! Make it happen, someone.
A Real Life Badass?
21. Washington Redskins 1-2 (LW: 28)
The scary part of Liam’s teacher story above – punching a student who pulled a knife on him – is the understated tone in which he described it. THAT is the true sign of a real life ass-kicker. You don’t brag, you do.
I’m not sure if we know Kirk Cousins is a “real life” QB yet. For most of his brief career, he’s been mediocre to bad. But he was beastly in a loss against Philly. And then he dropped one of those “perfect teammate” lines this week, something that likely earned him several brownie points with head coach Jay Gruden.
All that is dandy. But to supplant RG3, the guy has to WIN games. We’ll see if he can.
Seth McFarlane Had The Leading Role In MY MOVIE
20. Houston Texans 2-1 (LW: 17)
19. Buffalo Bills 2-1 (LW: 16)
The Texans have J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson, Brian Cushing, Arian Foster (when healthy) among others. The Bills have one of the best defensive lines in football – Mario Williams, Kyle Williams, Marcell Dareus, Jerry Hughes -, and have weapons like C.J. Spiller and Sammy Watkins on offense. These teams – who will square off on Sunday – both have talent.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a quarterback in either city. Ryan Fitzpatrick is Ryan Fitzpatrick. We found that out the hard way last Sunday. And E.J. Manuel – despite the weapons he has to work with – ain’t very good either. If these two teams can get a real quarterback in the next couple of seasons, watch out. But until then…this is where they’re going to hang.
PS – Seth, bro, we didn’t need you in that movie. Just your jokes.
18. Dallas Cowboys 2-1 (LW: 24)
Best line of Taken, and not even close.
I don’t care if you’re a coach, player, general manager, or the Jerry Jones. No matter how crappy Morris Claiborne may be as a Dallas Cowboy, you don’t say the guy wasn’t worth what you traded for him publicly.
Why? Jerry. Bro. YOU WERE THE ONE THAT MADE THIS DECISION. AS A GENERAL MANAGER WHOSE DECISIONS ARE ALWAYS QUESTIONED. Forget pissing the guy off to the point that he stormed out of practice like a baby. If you’re acknowledging the decisions you’ve been making aren’t working out, isn’t it time to…I don’t know…HIRE SOMEONE TO COMPETENTLY DO THAT JOB?
Liam tries comedy!
17. Green Bay Packers 1-2 (LW: 3)
16. San Francisco 49ers 1-2 (LW: 11)
15. New Orleans Saints 1-2 (LW: 12)
14. New England Patriots 2-1 (LW: 6)
The video above? By far the best one.
There’s no way that a killing machine like Neeson could pull off comedy. Which brings me to these 4 enigmas. The Packers, Saints, and Patriots’ offenses have jumped in the Delorean and back to the Stone Age.
The Packers can’t run the ball like they did last year – and that’s entirely on Eddie Lacy…who can’t hold on to the ball. And their receiving corps – one where in the past, anyone can contribute – has been weak too…outside of Jordy Nelson.
The Saints seem to miss Darren Sproles. A lot – at least based off of the way he’s played for the Eagles. And they could use a kick start in the run game themselves. Their problem is that Mark Ingram is injured.
And the Patriots? Don’t get me started. Their offensive line is a joke – both in pass protect and run blocking. Their receivers have been mediocre since they traded Randy Moss – though Julian Edelman is at least respectable. Rob Gronkowski…isn’t playing like Rob Gronkowski. And Brady…might be losing a step.
Still, at least these teams aren’t complete chokers like the 49ers have been through three games. San Fran has been outscored 52-3 in the second half by their opposition. When did Jim Harbaugh become Mike Smith?
Oh, You Saved The World Won A Game? Still Not Buying You
13. Indianapolis Colts 1-2 (LW: 15)
12. Detroit Lions 2-1 (LW: 21)
Come on, would you let Tim Riggins marry your daughter? Obviously not, because you won’t watch that video through to the second part.
Oh wow, the Colts beat the Jaguars by 40,000 points? Congratulations! Let’s give Ryan Grigson another GM of the year award for that talented roster he’s constructed. Oh, and some gold stars and dino stickers!
Whoa, Jim Caldwell has won two games in the NFL on a team without Peyton Manning? Over the FEARSOME Giants and a Packers squad that isn’t underachieving? Awww, how cute.
Sarcasm. These teams are frauds until proven otherwise.
We wish we could do this…
11. Carolina Panthers 2-1 (LW: 7)
Fun fact: Greg Hardy was named “The Kraken” BEFORE this.
This team will trend downwards soon. All of their running backs – who they are overpaying – are now hurt. Their offensive line is mediocre, and other than Kelvin Benjamin, so are Cam Newton’s weapons. And they just gave up 264 yards on the ground to the Steelers.
But for now? We leave them here.
I mean…all his movies are starting to seem the same now. Right?
As for these two. AFC North Rivals. Play a tough brand of football. Insufferable fans. Blah, blah, blah…
The Beginning Of Bad-Assery
8. San Diego Chargers 2-1 (LW: 9)
7. Chicago Bears 2-1 (LW: 10)
6. Atlanta Falcons 2-1 (LW: 14)
I BELIEVE Rob Roy was Neeson’s first foray into action movies. Not a bad beginning bro.
I wouldn’t want to face any of these passing attacks. Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates have found the fountain of youth. Jay Cutler is still putting up big numbers despite Brandon Marshall being hurt. And the Falcons just systematically annihilated the Buccaneers in a fashion you’d only expect out of Alabama…against Left-Handed-Nose-Pickers-Of-The-Poor State.
Always Getting The Last Word
5. Philadelphia Eagles 3-0 (LW: 5)
And that’s typically what action heroes get. One liners. One liners. And more one liners.
Anyone else sick of the Eagles playing like crap in the first half, then figuring out their bleep before the end?
…I am too.
Rise…An Elite Coach
4. Arizona Cardinals 3-0 (LW: 8)
First off, Kingdom of Heaven = an EXTREMELY underrated movie.
Secondly, Bruce Arians is 3-0 on the year, and has won two games with DREW FREAKING STANTON starting under center. Meanwhile the defense is ragged. Darnell Dockett is on injured reserve. John Abraham is on injured reserve. Daryl Washington is suspended a year for smoking weed. And through all of that, Arians and his wannabe Joe Maddon glasses are 3-0. With a couple of playoff wins – and a real QB – Arians will belong in the same conversation as the game’s best coaches.
I KNIGHT YOU BRUCE. I KNIGHT YOU! Don’t think I can slap you though.
He Got Game
3. Cincinnati Bengals 3-0 (LW: 4)
Schindler gonna Schindler. Making lists and stealing your girl, all day every day.
They may have peaked in September – but through three weeks no team has played better than the Cincy Bengals. Andy Dalton has been efficient, Giovanni Bernard has taken a big step forward, and the defense is dominant. Let’s see if they can carry this into the post season.
PS: Schindler, you dog you!
Going down fighting…
2. Denver Broncos 2-1 (LW: 1)
It’s total crap that we don’t get to see how Liam versus wolves panned out. I think there’s a solid possibility that he made it out of there alive.
Peyton Manning struggled for most of that epic game against the Seahawks, but his final drive to tie things up at the end was legitimately perfect. Moral victories don’t exist in the NFL, unless they’re done in this fashion: with a game-tying drive against the league’s best defense – who stomped you out in the Super Bowl the year before – in the league’s toughest place to play.
…The wrong guy to fight
1. Seattle Seahawks 2-1 (LW: 2)
THAT LINE THO.
The road to the Super Bowl – until proven otherwise – goes through Seattle. They have a particular set of skilled players with particular sets of skills.
Paul Gallant hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – with Brien Straw. Get in contact with Paul on Twitter – @PaulyGSays – or on Facebook – Paul Gallant.
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