Another week, another edition of themed NFL power rankings from yours truly.

Finding themes for the first two weeks was easy. I’m way too obsessed for my own good with Game of Thrones. Week one? Check. And Boardwalk Empire just started back up. Week two? Done.

And then I remembered I can’t stand A LOT of the shows currently on TV. If you don’t watch them, then how can you make any references? I needed an inspiration, and Bill O’Brien provided it:

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear the word “Trap”, my mind goes straight to Admiral Ackbar of the Rebel Alliance. Obviously, we need to go the Star Wars route.

Do we acknowledge the existence of Jar Jar Binks?
32. Oakland Raiders 0-2 (LW: 32)
31. Jacksonville Jaguars 0-2 (LW: 25)
30. New York Giants 0-2 (LW: 31)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-2 (LW: 19)

There is no denying that The Phantom Menace was a train-wreck. Even I could realized that…at age 10. And nothing encapsulates that as much as Jar Jar Binks – a cast off from a species that would rather live in a 25 cent version of Atlantis. Or swamps.

It’s one thing when you’re looking for comedic relief. But when you create a boob of a character like this – and get three years of complaints about that decision – you better kill him off before or in the next movie.

Unfortunately, George Lucas clearly gave no ****s. Because not only did he keep Jar Jar around, he made the imbecile a BLEEPING SENATOR. And people wonder how the Old Republic fell…

These four teams are awful. The Raiders are a group of over the hill veterans. The Jags are WAY WORSE than I gave them credit for. The G-Men have probably quit on Tom Coughlin for the 40th time, and the Bucs O-Line is actually worse than that of New York.

Or that Hayden Christensen…uhhh…struggled?
28. Washington Redskins 1-1 (LW: 29)
27. St. Louis Rams 1-1 (LW: 30)
26. Tennessee Titans 1-1 (LW: 21)

It’s only natural that between Jake Lloyd and Christensen, Anakin was doomed to be an obnoxious child for ALL of the first three episodes. Just like the Redskins and Rams are still doomed…even with week two victories:

‘Skins: Blowing out the Jags = Anakin’s greatest victory: killing a bunch of “younglings”. RG3’s injury is unfortunate.

Rams: Squeaking by the Bucs = somehow not annoying away Padme AND THEN marrying her.

Congratulations, everybody still hates you Anakin.

Meanwhile, the Titans were burnt alive by Dallas’ run game, and Jake Locker reverted to the guy we all remember: as inaccurate as he is athletic.

PS – How many advertisers did The Emperor lose when he refused to suspend Anakin for breaking the personal conduct policy?

And that Episode 1 made Liam Neeson look like a boob?
25. Kansas City Chiefs 0-2 (LW: 26)

Based off of the last decade, that takes a lot of effort. Yet The Phantom Menace did it in remarkable fashion. Liam Neeson was mediocre throughout, and then got killed by a member of the Insane Clown Posse.

That’s the way I feel about the Chiefs and now injured Jamal Charles – who had just 23 yards on 9 carries before he got hurt. Kansas City is struggling, and there are no A Walk Among The Tombstones on the horizon make them a legit AFC contender again.

PS – The link above the Chiefs is BY FAR my favorite of these rankings.

Remember when we first met Yoda?
24. Dallas Cowboys 1-1 (LW: 28)

Incorrect grammar. Clearly deranged. And looked like he escaped Jim Henson’s closet. All thoughts that probably crossed your mind when you saw that overgrown gremlin for the first time.

Based off my first impressions of Rolando McClain – especially during his time with the Raiders and his rapid retirement from the Ravens – I figured he’d be just as useless as he was in previous stops. That no longer appears to be the case. McClain – with 13 tackles, a sack, and a pick in two weeks- has been the difference on a Cowboys defense that is NOT NEARLY as horrendous as we [rightly] assumed it would be.

Also, that interception = lifting X-Wings

Mace Windu: Losing like Jersey B
23. New York Jets 1-1 (LW: 24)

What a classic Jets loss. The entire franchise history in one play. They were THIS close to making the Packers 0-2, just like Mace Windu was THAT close to killing off the Emperor.

PS – Again…Anakin was the second worst character in Star Wars.

We let THIS CREW fly THIS SHIP?
22. Minnesota Vikings 1-1 (LW: 12)

I get that the pilots died, but what a terrible job by them crashing the Empire’s flagship BEAST destroyer INTO THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS MORE THAN IT.

Matt Cassell crashed and burnt the Vikings with 4 picks against the Patriots. I get that teams like to baby rookie quarterbacks like their minor league baseball players, it’s time for Minnesota to start Teddy Bridgewater. At the very least, it’ll provide some positive PR while they try to distract from all things Adrian Peterson.

Darth Maul
21. Detroit Lions 1-1 (LW: 16)

Did he look like he was from the Insane Clown Posse? Obviously. But Darth Maul was The Phantom Menace‘s only. Nerd alert – HE HAS A DOUBLE LIGHTSABRE. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? His presence helped transform light-sabre battles from battles between guys with Peyton Manning-esque athleticism to Cirque du Soleil acrobat attacks.

Maul was awesome. And the Lions offense is awesome. But any time you get killed off by Ewan McGregor/a surprisingly resilient Panthers team…you’re going to be questioned.

Wedge Antilles: Consistently Scrappy
20. Cleveland Browns 1-1 (LW: 27)

The best part about searching the internet for anything Star Wars are the random tribute music videos you get. For some reason, Wedge has many. Including one with angry french commentators and that annoying Blue song from ~’99.

You probably don’t remember who Wedge is…and you probably shouldn’t. All you need to know is that he survived the attacks on Death Star 1, Hoth, and Death Star 2 (destroying the last of them). The force…he lacks. But he’s a scrappy grinder.

Much like the Browns. Cleveland climbed out of a 27-3 hole against the Steelers in week 1 – coming a converted fake punt away from an upset – and then hung on to SHOCK the Saints Sunday. I’m not a big Brian Hoyer fan. Mike Pettine’s Brownie defense seems legit.

Luke thought he was ready…
19. Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1 (LW: 14)
18. Miami Dolphins 1-1 (LW: 10)

Luke (in the video above), the Steelers (for a half against the Browns), and the Dolphins (who beat the Patriots) kicked things off impressively.

Still, you remember what you see last. And the second half of that battle/Pittsburgh and Miami’s performance Sunday have me selling hard.

Don’t get me wrong, the Steelers loss to the Ravens and Dolphins loss to the Bills aren’t QUITE as bad as getting your ass kicked by an old man. An old man that proceeds to cut off your hand, tell you he’s your real dad, and force you to jump down a massive chasm to what should have been his death. But the Millennium Falcon ain’t coming to bail those teams out either.

The Ewoks
17. Houston Texans 2-0 (LW: 22)
16. Buffalo Bills 2-0 (LW: 23)

The Ewoks look like adorable little care bears. I don’t think being bludgeoned to death by them would be that bad. It would definitely be unexpected.

I don’t care who you are. If you don’t live in Houston or Buffalo, you have ZERO reason to respect the Texans or Bills right now. The Texans are coming off a 2-14 season and beat two cupcakes to start the year. And the Bills are the Bills. They just escaped moving to Canada. E.J. Manuel is abysmal.

Yet they’re both 2-0. And both – especially the Bills – are coming off of dominant victories. This will be a surprisingly intriguing week 4 matchup.

Grand Moff Tarkin = A liar-faced fraud
15. Indianapolis Colts 0-2 (LW: 11)
14. Atlanta Falcons 1-1 (LW: 9)

Princess Leia is a complete traitor here. The Rebel Alliance > Alderaan, bro. Stop being so soft.

But that’s not the matter at hand. Obviously Grand Moff Tarkin was lying here. And now matter how good you think the Colts or Falcons are, they are going to struggle against the teams in this league that matter.

Indy hung around with the Broncos and Eagles for a while. But Andrew Luck is the only player worth a damn on a team obsessed with feeding bust Trent Richardson the ball. Meanwhile, as well as Atlanta played week one against the Saints, you knew they’d wilt against a physical team like the Bengals.

Steve Smith Sr. Yoda
13. Baltimore Ravens 1-1 (LW: 20)

1. Admit it. When Yoda busted out a light sabre for the first time in Episode II, you went nuts.
2. Steve Smith…Steve Smith Sr. is playing out of his mind. Which given his age, was definitely not something that most expected going forward.
3. How about that Ravens defense? They beat the hell out of the Steelers on Thursday night. If this team can get out of its own way on offense, Baltimore could be pretty damn good. Though that might be asking a bit too much.

Uhhh…I don’t want to get choked or anything, but I’m beginning to lack faith…
12. New Orleans Saints 0-2 (LW: 7)
11. San Francisco 49ers 1-1 (LW: 5)

I picked the Saints to make the Super Bowl. And after an AWFUL start, they are THIS close to being over the ledge. Yeah, they haven’t played at home yet. But there’s no excuse losing at Cleveland. The defense isn’t nearly as good as it was last season, nor is the offense as explosive. You can lock New Orleans into having at least 7 home wins, and they’ll likely be fine for the playoffs as well. But if they can’t get home field advantage, they aren’t going to a Super Bowl.

Meanwhile, the 49ers. They DESTROYED the Bears in the first half of Sunday night football. After being up 20-7 going into the fourth. That’s a choke of epic proportions, and all the blame has to go on Colin Kaepernick. He threw three picks, lost a fumble, and was flagged for inappropriate language after throwing one of his interceptions which set the Bears up for a score.

Don’t call it a comeback!
10. Chicago Bears 1-1 (LW: 18)

Best moment of the series by far. Darth’s down. Then Luke’s whining. Emperor winning. Game over. And BAM! Vader out of nowhere with the chair his hands

Meanwhile, the Bears continue to be impossible to bet on predict. Down 20-7 on the road against a Jim Harbaugh team in the fourth quarter…they won? Kyle Fuller had two late picks after Charles Tillman went down with another torn triceps (sad), while Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall torched San Fran for 3 scores.

The Rebel Alliance
9. San Diego Chargers 1-1 (LW: 17)
8. Arizona Cardinals 2-0 (LW: 13)
7. Carolina Panthers 2-0 (LW: 15)

This isn’t Game of Thrones. You knew all along that the Rebel Alliance was eventually going to win the war. Still, they deserve a pat on the back doing it with just 3 resources: Han Solo, Han Solo, and Han Solo.

The Chargers took care of the defending Super Bowl Champs in convincing fashion. And celebrated like they’d taken out the Death Star. Yeah, it was probably a little much saying Richard Sherman got exposed, but Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates were in vintage form. Three TD passes for that duo.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals – dealing with a ton of injuries on defense – and the Panthers – who suffered plenty of attrition during the offseason – are both 2-0. And have won games with Drew Stanton and Derek Anderson respectively under center.

Rivers going ham with Gates again. Drew Stanton. Derek Anderson. No, it’s not 2009 or something.

Run by Vader, running like Admiral Ozzel
6. New England Patriots 1-1 (LW: 8)

Belichick has to be pissed at his team through two weeks of the season. Unfortunately, it is actually illegal to strangle someone to death via the force. I read it somewhere.

They wore out in the second half against the Dolphins in the opener. And in Minnesota, the Patriots couldn’t find any rhythm on offense. They couldn’t run very well – and when they did, there was typically a holding call.

And even though they won in convincing fashion against a team dealing with a lot of crap, it’s tough to ignore this number. New England has been penalized 24 times this season. For 263 yards. 67 more yards than the second place team. That’s got to stop.

Did Admiral Ackbar deserve a free pass?
5. Philadelphia Eagles 2-0 (LW: 3)

Here’s what bothers me about Admiral Ackbar. Is he a war hero? Yes. But he probably got half the Rebel Alliance killed by flying the whole fleet into a bleeping trap. Pretty sure that calamari should be charged with a war crime or thirty.

The Eagles have lucked their way into two wins thus far. They didn’t show up for a half against Jacksonville. Then – after a shaky performance by Nick Foles – it took a late Colts blunder (Luck’s pick with 5:08 to play with Indy up 27-20) to bail themselves out. If not for Darren Sproles – who the Saints actually traded – Philly could very well be 0-2.

Jango Unchained-Headed>
4. Cincinnati Bengals 2-0 (LW: 6)

Jango Fett is a bit of a badass. He’s a bounty hunter. He kills Jedi. He has a cute little costume. And oh yeah, there is a massive army comprised entirely of his clones.

But he ain’t perfect. If Mace mother-bleepin Windu is coming at him, the man is going down. And as talented as this Bengals team is – on defense, and with the supporting cast on offense – they will only go as far as Andy Dalton can take them. Until he wins a playoff game, that caveat will always hold true.

Twin-cest…Ewww
3. Green Bay Packers 1-1 (LW: 4)

I mean, Han seriously had to be thinking that there, right?

Speaking of Twin-cest, the Packers have kicked off the season with two ugly games. The loss in Seattle was excusable. But almost losing to the Jets in Green Bay? Not excusable, no matter how much better the Jets may be.

The one time Han couldn’t walk the walk…
2. Seattle Seahawks 1-1 (LW: 1)

Oh wait, there was this time too. He literally couldn’t walk there.

But let’s watch this and remember how bleeping awesome he is.

The Seahawks boast. Often. Especially Richard Sherman. On Sunday, the Seahawks lost. And Richard Sherman didn’t play that well. But unlike the ridiculously excited Chargers, I’m not going to say Seattle was exposed. They were playing in blistering heat against a respectable team. And my money is on them this coming week…

Order 66…?
1. Denver Broncos 2-0 (LW: 2)

Denver has taken care of business thus far, though it hasn’t been as pretty as they often made things last season. And now – after a full off-season of biding their time and waiting for the first chance to get back at Seattle – they’ll have that opportunity Sunday. Can’t wait for that game.

Week 2: Boardwalk Empire
Week 1: Game of Thrones

Paul Gallant hosts the “B-Straw and Pauly G” show – Tuesdays 9-11 PM, Wednesdays 8-11 PM, and Fridays 8-11 PM – with Brien Straw. Get in contact with Paul on Twitter – @PaulyGSays – or on Facebook – Paul Gallant.

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