By Nick Wright

So, as many of you know, my boss isn’t the brightest bulb on the tree. (If this is news to you, just go ahead and mosey on over to and you’ll better understand, but I digress.) Well, he thinks you guys will like me more if you see how Red, White & Blue patriotic I am. I think most of you love me already, and those of you that hate me, hate me so much it’s turned into some perverse kind of love, but he’s unmoved by these arguments.

Thus, he’s asked me to list my four favorite things about the 4th of July. (Get it, 4 things because it’s July 4th. I’m sure this numerical alliteration delighted him when he thought of it. Like I said, not the brightest bulb.) As it turns out, the 4th actually is maybe my favorite Holiday, so I agreed. And, here we are.

OK, enough of the preamble… the 4 best things about the 4th of July, in descending order:

#4- Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest! Is there anything more American than watching people gorge themselves on some miscellaneous assortment of pig anuses and horse hooves while we sit on our couches, nursing the previous morning’s hangover? I say no. It’s just a perfect way to start the holiday.

#3- Fireworks! I’m not talking about going to see some professionals do displays hundreds of yards away while I sit on a sweaty blanket with bored kids and surrounded by alcoholics. No. I’m talking about the illegal, in the back yard, possibly set your neighbor’s house on fire, definitely burn the bejeezus out of your fingers and maybe lose an eye type of fireworks. These are simply glorious. I will never get sick of this, no matter how old I am. My dad was a firefighter so I was never allowed to pop fireworks growing up because he saw all the mayhem they caused. I think because of that, now that I’m an adult, all I want to do is fire Roman Candles at unsuspecting strangers and use my unbounding patriotism as an excuse.

#2- Barbecuing! Note: I said barbecuing, not “cooking out.” You might wonder what the difference is. (Probably not, because you’re from Texas so you know, but I’m filling space at this point, so bear with me.) If all you have is hot dogs and hamburgers, you are cooking out, not barbecuing. Barbecuing involves brisket and ribs and chicken and my wife doing nearly all the work while I get the credit because people assume the man did the barbecuing because it’s a manly type of cooking. Food is SO much more delicious if you put in no effort and still get the credit.

#1- Remembering Kicking All That British Ass. This needs no explanation. U-S-EFFING-A.


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