New England Patriots Vs. The Dark Knight Rises

  • Initial Excitement?
    “YEAHHHH!”* (*BUT only for Patriots fans)
    “WOOOOO!”
  • Vague Sense of Worry?
    "Why...are we struggling against the Bills and the Jets?"
    "Why...is Bruce Wayne hobbling around a broken down apartment?"
  • Leading man?
    Handsome-yet-ruffled protagonist, still arguably in his prime, yet possessing some silly, silly hair. Whines kind of a lot.
    Handsome-yet-beaten down protagonist, well past his prime, but still hoping to make a difference.
  • Growing Sense of Worry?
    Man...Rob Gronkowski sure does spend a lot of his life injured.
    Man...Bruce Wayne sure does spend a lot of this movie injured.
  • Features Hines Ward?
    No, which stinks, because even retired, he’d be their 2nd best receiver - maybe their best receiver - in 2013.
    With gusto!
  • Unsettling Level of Violence?
    Something, something, Aaron Hernandez, something.
    That time that everyone in the stadium died...except Hines Ward.
  • Secret Supervillain
    Bernard Pollard.
    That silly-voiced fella who gets taken down by Anne Hathaway.
  • Wise Mentor?
    [Emperor Palpatine] Bill Belichick.
    Michael Caine!
  • Most Illogical Move?
    Cutting Wes Welker!
    Announcing comeback by burning a gasoline bat into the Brooklyn Bridge. That probably took way more time than it needed to, Bats.
  • Secretly Lousy?
    It’s looking that way, but the season is still early.
    Yeah.
RESULTS
With a score of 6 out of 10, The Dark Knight Rises takes it! But don’t put too much stock into this. Both are probably overrated. -Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

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