TALE OF THE TAPE

Sports

  1. JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 29: Blaine Gabbert #11 hands off to Maurice Jones-Drew #32 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during a game against the Indianapolis Colts at EverBank Field on September 29, 2013 in Jacksonville, Florida. A nurse puts 3D glasses on the face of a surgeon before an operation at the Argenteuil hospital, in a Paris suburb, on July 25, 2013. AFP PHOTO / FRED DUFOUR
    Less Painful: Watching Jacksonville Or Undergoing Invasive, Unnecessary Surgery?

    With the Jacksonville Jaguars unable to do anything right, and turning in performances reminiscent of the ’62 Mets absent any of the charm, watching their games is beyond brutal.

  2. DENVER, CO - AUGUST 24: Quarterback Sam Bradford #8 of the St. Louis Rams in action against the Denver Broncos at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on August 24, 2013 in Denver, Colorado. HOUSTON, TX - AUGUST 25: Matt Schaub #8 of the Houston Texans rolls out looking for a receiver against the New Orleans Saints at Reliant Stadium on August 25, 2013 in Houston, Texas.
    Tale Of The Tape: St. Louis Rams At Houston Texans

    Here’s what you need to realize about Sam Bradford. He is a smart, honest quarterback who will give you everything he has on every play.

  3. (Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images) Gaming fans sample EA Sports Madden NFL
    More Impressive Stats? Denver Broncos Offense Vs. Playing Madden On “Easy”

    The Broncos are on pace to break some crazy impressive records. But how do the 2013 Broncos measure up against when I play Madden on easy?

  4. New Orleans Saints v Houston Texans San Francisco 49ers v St Louis Rams
    Tale Of The Tape: Houston Texans At San Francisco 49ers

    Matt Schaub is struggling this season and he has already thrown three interceptions that have been returned for touchdowns.

  5. elicredit2.jpg boxingcredit2.jpg
    The Giants Losing To Carolina Vs. Little Mac Losing To Glass Joe In “Punch-Out”

    Perhaps the most lopsided battle in video game sports is that of Little Mac vs. Glass Joe – the first fight in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! If done correctly, skilled players can knock the beans out of Joe in 42 seconds, flat. Unskilled players can still take him out before three rounds are up. And unskilled players who think too much would wonder – why is a French guy named “Joe”?

    In any case, we here at CBS wondered, what was a more lopsided matchup (and subsequent surprising defeat): Mac vs. Joe? Or the recent Super Bowl champion New York Giants vs. the mostly hapless Carolina Panthers? Let’s go to the tape. Please note that the “winner” of each category is the more humiliating option:

  6. natecredit1.jpg digiornocredit1.jpg
    One Broken Arm Later: Nate Burleson’s Pizza Vs. DiGiorno (It’s Not Delivery)

    Detroit Lions’ wide receiver Nate Burleson is great at receiving both deftly thrown footballs and emergency roadside medical treatment. Recently, he crashed his car into a Jersey barrier after dropping a slice of pizza around 2:30 in the morning. Apparently there was no hooch in his system, it’s just that he was being a big ol’ bag of dum-dum lollipops. The question that we at CBS can’t help but ask: would he have been better off cooking himself a DiGiorno frozen pizza? Let’s go to the tape.

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