Gallant’s Random Thoughts: “Eastwatch” Recap

By Paul Gallant, SportsRadio 610

He is the talk show host in the darkness. He is the watcher on the couch. He is the Game of Thrones expert that guards the realm of Houston. Paul Gallant pledges his life and honor to Game of Thrones episode recaps, for this past episode and all the season 7 episodes to come

100 conveniently converging plotlines. Cross continent travel in a matter of minutes. The use of “And . . .” in an attempt to make people get to the point (perhaps I should do this with callers). No Greyjoys. And honestly, the worst f*cking plan ever. Eastwatch wasn’t a bad episode . . . but there’s a lot to unpack. This is at least what I’m telling you after posting this recap 4 days late.

THE REACH

It was WAY TOO EASY for Bronn and Jaime to escape that battle right? They’ve got no horses. They’re probably exhausted from swimming back to sure from the depths that river/abyss . . . and now they’re going to walk back to King’s Landing? On foot? While a clearly unaffected dragon and horde of Dothraki horsemen lurk?

Jaime knows just how screwed the Lannisters are. And EVERYONE is under the assumption that Cersei will refuse to discuss terms. So how does this end? More on that later.

I’ll give it to Randyll and amazingly named Dickon Tarly . . . the 2 have balls. Had. Death via burnination does not seem particularly pleasant. Yet they still refused to bend the knee. So now they’re dead. Good news for Sam though, right? I know the Maesters haven’t told him yet, but now that his family is dead he won’t have to worry about someone taking the family Valyrian steel sword back (Heartsbane) from him. Hell, technically Horn Hill is now his!

OLDTOWN

No more poop cleaning. No more scab removing. And no more reading. “I’m Sam, I’m tired of reading about the achievements of better men.” TIME FOR ACTION. CUE SAM’S MUSIC!

First he stole a sword. Now he stole all the books from the forbidden section. The most drawn out Game of Thrones storyline doesn’t just feature a terrible romance between a dork and savage, the dork is becoming a klepto! I really don’t have a clue what Sam can do to save the world, but we can all agree on this: the odds of him making it to The Wall by the next episode has to be 100%.

By the way, I’m imagining that minor detail Gilly read – that some Maester issued an annullment for Prince Rhaegar (mispronounced) for him to get married secretly to someone else (duh, Lyanna Stark) – will come back into play soon. Sam is pretty good at glossing over details and coming back to them once he reads them himself (see: Stannis telling him about the Dragonglass at Dragonstone), but should he reconvene with Bran (who knows that Jon is a Targaryen) things between Jon and Dany could get pretty weird. As if they aren’t already, with Aunt on Nephew love in the air.
KING’S LANDING

First off, Ser Davos the ladies man continues to CRUSH season 7!

Second, it’s nice to know that Gendry is no longer in a row boat. You’d think he’d be more jacked after 3 seasons of rowing, but I doubt he understands the concept of gains. It is cool to see someone fight with anything other than a sword for a change. What’s the time?

Let’s get to the Lannister stuff. Cersei does quite the 180 in this episode. When Jaime first returns – explaining the current Lannister predicament – his boo thang STILL wants to go out like Tony Montana. And she’s mad that Jaime didn’t kill big Mama Tyrell in the worst way possible.

But after Jaime secretly meets with TYRION of all people – behind Cersei’s back by the way – Cersei CALMS DOWN? Just asks if Jaime will punish Bronn? A surprising development to say the least, much like dropping the “I’m pregnant despite probably being about 40” bomb.

This is a FANTASTIC development for the show. The White Walkers bore me. I don’t care how powerful and scary they are, they’re zombies that don’t talk. They aren’t complex, and their only motive is murdering everyone. But Cersei saying that “an accommodation with the Dragon Queen could be in our immediate interests” means the Lannisters might actually have a shot at winning this whole thing. Let Dany throw the Unsullied, Dothraki, and her dragons at the undead horde. Once everyone gets back to focusing on the Iron Throne, a few casualties might make this a more even match.

Don’t get it twisted though. Cersei is still Cersei. “Hey, you’re finally going to be an official dad! [hug] NEVER BETRAY ME AGAIN.”

I’m a little surprised at how emotional Jaime was during his 1 on 1 with Tyrion. Tywin was a force to be reckoned with on the show. But a great Dad? I think Jaime, Tyrion, and even Cersei would agree that he sucked in that department. Crybaby.

WINTERFELL

Winter may be here, but this sure ain’t a White Christmas, am I right?

Sansa and Arya had a very complicated relationship in season 1:

– Nymeria (Arya’s direwolf) biting Geoffrey (who basic Sansa was obsessed with at the time)
– Lady (Sansa’s direwolf) getting executed because Arya helped Nymeria get away
– Other sister sh*t, this post is like 1800 words look it up yourself

You’d think after being apart for so long that the two would be so happy to be back together. Nope! Here’s an approximate sample of some passive aggressive dialogue!

“You always liked nice things. It made you think you were better than people.”
“I’m sure cutting off heads is satisfying, but getting people to support you doesn’t work like that.”
“And if Jon doesn’t come back, you’ll need their support so you work together to get you what you really want”
“How can you even think such a horrible thing?”
“You’re thinking it right now. You don’t want to be. But the thought just won’t go away.”
“[EYEROLL] I have work to do.”

During the last episode, Sansa looked a little freaked out by how dangerous Arya is. This week, Arya doesn’t trust Sansa’s political savvy. Great cinematography showed EVERYTHING from Arya’s point of view, Sansa handling the new Stark bannermen’s frustrations to a Littlefinger stalking session.

Littlefinger hasn’t done much this season, but he has certainly planted some complicated thoughts. He did it directly with Sansa. As for Arya? The murderous little rage ball falls right into his trap. There’s NO WAY that Littlefinger would leave a note of major importance by itself in a room. He’d have it on his person at all times. But Arya doesn’t quite know how smart he is.

By the way, the note SEEMS TO BE the one Sansa saying that Ned conspired to take the crown from Joffrey. A letter that Cersei forced her to write. But again, Arya knows nothing. Episode 6 ought to be interesting.

DRAGONSTONE

It looked like Jon was going to be a great stepdad when he pet Drogon. And then he talked.

Dany: “They’re beautiful aren’t they?”
Jon: “Not what I was thinking . . . ”
[Notices Dany frown]
Jon: “. . . But . . . uh . . . yeah, they’re Gorgeous beasts!”
Dany: “YO ASSHOLE THEY’RE MY KIDS”

Tyrion has no idea how to get Dany to do what he wants. But Jon just keeps posterizing her. First by crapping on her kids, and now by telling her “Yo, I’m leaving to carry out THE STUPIDEST PLAN EVER, try to stop me bae ;). I’m going to go North of the wall, capture a wight, bring it down to King’s Landing, ask for an audience with Cersei, not die while getting the audience with Cersei, and then convince her that she needs to help kill White Walkers!”

One last thought: I realllllllly miss Robert Baratheon. That 1 minute of dialogue between Jon and Gendry was a throwback to Ned and Rob.

POWER RANKINGS TIME! The characters that died wayyy too soon:

1. Oberyn Martell – Duh, greatest character in show history. I don’t care that he was a stupid peacock
2. Smalljon Umber – His first scene was Lyanna Mormont level badass.
3. Robert Baratheon – Could we PLEASE get a throwback to Robbo in his prime?
4. Ygritte – Duh.
5. The Thenns – They’re cannibals, and “I f*cking hate Thenns” should be a running one liner
6. Areo Hotah – AKA Prince Doran’s bodyguard. He had the COOLEST WEAPON EVER. And he never used it!

EASTWATCH

This plan is SO DUMB. On top of it, everyone that’s a part of it HATES EACH OTHER

– Tormund: Hates Jorah Mormont (Dad used to be Lord Commander)
– Jorah: Hates Jon (Dany wants to sex him)
– Beric: Hates Cleganes (both have killed him)
– Gendry: Hates Beric Dondarrion and Thoros of Myr (kidnapped him, sold him to a witch)
– Thoros of Myr: Hates not drinking
– Jon Snow: Hates good plans
– The Hound: Hates everyone

But there’s one great thing that could come out of this. CLEGANEBOWL! If The Hound survives, he’s GOT to be one of the men who takes the white walker back to King’s Landing. Cersei will arrest him as a traitor. He’ll want to fight with a trial by combat. Cersei will choose the Mountain. IT’S HAPPENING! CLEGANE BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – Weeknights 7-11 PM CT – on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or his facebook page.

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