He is the talk show host in the darkness. He is the watcher on the couch. He is the Game of Thrones expert that guards the realm of Houston. Paul Gallant pledges his life and honor to Game of Thrones episode recaps, for this past episode and all the season 7 episodes to come
Gotta love Ser Davos macking on Missandei to open up the episode. Competing with a eunuch, he might have a chance! Dragonstone indeed has changed.
Melisandre and Varys . . . plus a little foreshadowing? We all know Varys hates anything that involves magic. After all, it cost him his junk. But he seemed pretty freaked out by her parting line. “I will return to you spider. One last time. I have to die in this strange country. Just like you.”
It’s amazing how little each of the characters knows about the others. And the amount of dialogue that they need to explain themselves . . . it’s a tad tiresome.
More tiresome: Cocky Dany at it again. “Uh, who cares about my Dad burning your Dad and Uncle alive, bend the knee like you’re supposed to, bro.” “Why isn’t he calling me Queen?” “YOU’RE the enemy to the North.” “LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I’VE OVERCOME BECAUSE I HAD FAITH IN MYSELF?” “[ANGRY HUMBLE BRAG SPEECH!]”
I don’t know how many times Jon is going to try and explain himself. EVEN MORE SO, WHY HASN’T HE TOLD ANYONE THAT HE CAME BACK FROM THE F*CKING DEAD? Does Sansa even know? Seriously? Isn’t that the ultimate mic drop?
Dany only compromises once she learns that two of her new allies were easily neutralized. And even then, all she does is allow Jon to mine dragon glass. Meanwhile, she won’t let him leave. Again, Cocky Dany is the worst. And now she’s actually going to NEED Jon’s help to win a war against the Lannisters.
At Dragonstone, Tyrion told Jon that Sansa is smarter than she lets on. Jon’s response? “She’s letting on.” She’s doing exactly that. And seems to be holding Littlefinger at bay.
But she can’t ignore Petyr Baelish completely. All it took was an extremely vague line – and the eventual Littlefinger smirk – to seemingly rattle Sansa. The line:
“Either the dead will defeat the living, in which case all our troubles come to an end. Or, life will win out. And what then? Don’t fight in the North. Or the South. Fight every battle, everywhere, always in your mind. Everyone is your enemy. Everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way, and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before.”
I wish I had a take as to what happens next. But Uncle Petyr is one difficult man to predict.
Can we please get one Stark man that doesn’t brood? Let alone a Stark man that doesn’t say the most depressing things ever. Actual dialogue between Sansa and Bran after his return home (give or take):
Sansa: “Welcome back, it’s been so long!”
Bran: “Where’s Jon.”
Sansa: “Out, but so good to see a real St-”
Bran: “Gotta tell him stuff. I know everything,”
Sansa: “Uh, well that’s nice I guess. I’ve missed you so mu-”
Bran: “Hey, I know your wedding ended up being the worst night of your life, but that blizzard was looked beautiful”
Bran: “You looked hot too, can see why Rams-”
Sansa: “I’m going inside.”
Bran: “Cool, I’m gonna sit under this tree for a while.”
Euron Greyjob overtook Tyrion as the show’s best quote quite quickly. He’s a bit crass . . . like when he described pants tightness during his parade, then impersonated Theon’s latest P.T.S.D. episode – “OH NO! What a *!@#&! LOL.”, and wrapping it all up by asking Jaime for advice on how to best sex old sissy. But he’s delivered in every scene.
What an episode for Cersei. Being open with her incest and going to town on Jaime was one thing. But that scene with Ellaria Sand? Vicious. First the speech. Then? Using the same poison on Ellaria’s daughter Tyene with the same exact kiss. And ultimately? Telling Ellaria that they’ll keep her alive until she sees her daughter die, and then even longer to see her slowly rot away. Classic Cersei, who is probably STILL keeping Unella the mute nun alive for torture at the same time.
Also classic Cersei: going straight from the torture chamber for some Jaime time immediately after.
I’ve got a question though. If the Lannisters are fighting a war, how do they pay back the Iron Bank? They’re bankrupt. Yeah, they took Highgarden, The Reach, and all the crops there. But they’re in SUPER debt, right? Can the Lannisters pay their debts with a payment plan of sorts?
Hey, we finally got to see it! And how about Tyrion’s sex lair being the way that The Unsullied sneak in?
But it was all a trap. Euron’s fleet burnt Dany’s convoy to the ground. They’ll be stuck at The Rock, a place that they won’t be able to hold because Jaime took all the provisions. He also took his army to . . .
Another first time appearance. And mere glimpses of a battle to defend it. That Golden Rose of theirs was indeed a perfect sigil. Soft little flowers. Perhaps the Faith Militant and the people of Westeros should have rebelled against Highgarden like the High Sparrow had threatened last season.
Raise a glass to the Queen of Thorns, Olenna Tyrell. She was the show’s most intelligent and witty figure. Hell, she even gave Jaime a little unprompted advice before eating dirt: to watch out for his evil sister. Second, YOWZA . . . she was indeed good as she’d bragged earlier. But her last lines after she’d taken the poison that Jaime gave her – that she was the one who killed Joffrey – Classic Olenna. And it has me thinking . . . who were the most intelligent houses in Game of Thrones (show) history?
3. The Lannisters
Jaime is a bit of an idiot, and Cersei made some major mistakes (Faith militant, cough cough). But she’s holding her own pretty well right now.
Joffrey and Tommen were probably dumbs themselves (classic incest). But was anyone in the show a more effective leader than Tywin? And has anyone proven themselves better at getting things accomplished in a variety of different roles than Tyrion? Doubtful. Those two make up for all the rest.
2. The Tyrells
Mace was a major league moron. Loras? He was careless. Gotta keep that “buggery” private bro. But as we saw throughout the show, Olenna was a brilliant poet:
On top of that, she never let those dudes anywhere close to positions of real consequence.
And then we have her granddaughter / P.H.D. level student Margaery. Did anyone play the game better than her? She had the show’s best poker face, was a master manipulator (one who somehow found a way to [nearly] escape captivity by the Faith Militant ON HER OWN) and was THE ONLY PERSON that knew something bad was going to happen to the Sept of Baelor.
And now they’re all dead. Sad!
1. The Boltons
I had a crush on these evil a-holes. Here’s why:
I know: they flew too close to the sun. But did anyone know of their EXISTENCE before season three? You had the occasional Roose sighting. “Hey look, generic Stark bannerman guy.” A little later, you learn that Roosey Roose married a Frey girl because he’d be paid her weight in silver as the dowry. And then? BAM, Red Wedding. Combine that with Ramsay slowly torturing Theon into a Trojan Horse that helped them take Moat Cailin from the Ironborn, the Boltons took full control of the North in a little under a season.
Did their rule last? Not very long. It also took the Lannisters for them to even have the incentive of taking the North. But no matter how evil and cruel they were (PS, they were) they played the game better than all the other houses with little to no resources. The only reason they no longer exist? Littlefinger’s crush on Sansa.
Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – Weeknights 7-11 PM CT – on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or his facebook page.