Gallant’s Random Thoughts: “Stormborn” Recap

By Paul Gallant, SportsRadio 610

He is the talk show host in the darkness. He is the watcher on the couch. He is the Game of Thrones expert that guards the realm of Houston. Paul Gallant pledges his life and honor to Game of Thrones episode recaps, for this past episode and all the season 7 episodes to come

DRAGONSTONE

I’ve said this many times, and I’ll say it again. I f*cking hate cocky Dany. First off, she LOOOOOOOOOVED hearing that she might be the “Prince or Princess That Was Promised” wayyyyy too much. Then she threatens to kill Varys? The guy who just acquired you two powerful new allies in spite of being the daughter of a crazy murderous king? Oh yeah, you want Jon Snow – the dude who came back from the dead – to bend the knee? Did you really have to say it with such disdain? Yeah, you’re going to need all the allies you can get after the latest Greyjoy castration. More on that later . . .

So hats off to our favorite bald eunuch Varys for showing the most emotion he ever has when Daenerys questioned his motives . . . mostly for what she felt was being sold to Khal Drogo (valid point) and then putting King Robert’s assassination attempt in office. His line – “incompetence shouldn’t be rewarded with loyalty” – and speech about his passion for the common people . . . and of course as he always says “The realm” . . . I loved it.

I wonder though. When Daenerys asks Varys if he’ll confront her if he has any issues . . . then threatening to burn him alive if he betrays her . . . was that foreshadowing?

Also, I’d be a tad concerned about Olenna telling Daenerys to be the Dragon, not the sheep. That didn’t work out so hot for her Daddy.

I didn’t really think out the political side of taking King’s Landing. But Tyrion had a point. If the Dothraki and Unsullied lay siege to the city, Westeros would probably be pretty resistant to accepting Daenerys as queen.

Tyrion decides to send the Unsullied and Dothraki to take the Lannister base of Casterly Rock. Meanwhile Yara’s fleet will go back to Dorne, pick up the Dornish Army, and then attack King’s Landing with the Tyrells. Sounds like a great plan, right?

PS – ‘Grats on the . . . third base Grey Worm.

WINTERFELL

It’s weird seeing things from Jon Snow’s perspective. He has seen what lies beyond the wall, he has interacted with Tyrion Lannister, and he’s a generally reckless character. Unfortunately, the one time he’s in the right almost all his bannermen disagrees with his plan to meet Daenerys in Dragonstone. Dragons. Dragonglass. They need both to beat the army of the dead. But again, no one really gets how f*cked they are.

Now Sansa Stark has command of Winterfell. Littlefinger – as evidenced by his little smirk – LOVES this. Especially after saying he loves Sansa, prompting Jon to smash him into dead Ned’s statue. Thet last shot in Winterfell, where Uncle Petyr stares at Sansa as she sees Jon off, you know he’s about to try and f*ck sh*t up.

THE…RIVERLANDS?

Arya has become such a bro. Take the scene with Hotpie where she’s wolfing down pies. Cracking open cold ones and chugging them. Acting all stand offish. Passing on talking about her feelings. Bros gonna bro.

I’m a little bummed that Arya found out that Jon is King in the North. I really wanted to see her go on a Rambo-esque murder spree in King’s Landing. But now she’s headed home.

The Nymeria scene, was it necessary? Seriously. Nymeria is alive. She is a wild GINORMOUS direwolf and is running with a huge massive pack of normal wolves. But she ain’t about that pet life anymore. The show-runners explained that scene as a symbol of Arya’s evolution . . . especially with the “that’s not you” line at the very end. But I had to watch the post episode explanation to get that. Hmm.

KING’S LANDING

I’ve got to hand it to Cersei. She did a fantastic job painting Daenerys as evil to prospective allies. The daughter of the Mad King. Mindless Unsullied drones and hordes of Dothraki heathens at her disposal. The mad queen who ordered crucifixions for nobles when she isn’t feeding them to dragons. And then she has the balls to say she cares about the people of Westeros! Even though she just blew up all her enemies and thousands of innocent people in a place of worship. Bravo.

Getting Olenna Tyrell’s bannermen to join the Lannisters will be a challenge . . . even if Cersei says Olenna is enabling an invasion. Jaime made the strongest impression on Randyll Tarly, and promised one sweet deal – Warden of the South – if he betrays big Mama Tyrell. I imagine he will. Randyll is the only lord to have defeated Robert Baratheon during the pre-show rebellion (The Battle of Ashford), so it would be a major get for the Lannisters.

The dragon problem is an issue. And I was disappointed that the Lannister solution ended up being a giant crossbow. What is this, The Hobbit? You’d think a crazy genius like Qyburn would bring something more . . . creative to the table.

OLDTOWN

I guess the only way to get people to stick around and watch Sam Tarly scenes is to slowly ramp up the gross factor. Poop montage episode one. Removing over half an upper torso’s worth of puss-laden greyscale scabs episode two. Thanks!

What did we get out of the few scenes with Sam and Jorah? How Sam Tarly will eventually come up with the title of “A Song of Ice and Fire” . . . and further evidence that neither of these two have much a role to play the rest of the show. CAN THEY BOTH DIE? THANKS.

THE OCEAN

Well. Euron Greyjoy is going to be a serious pain in the ass for Dany and company to reclaim the Iron Throne. What an entrance (though what was that idiot doing standing right below that raiding ramp?), and what a massacre. The dude is a f*cking savage. His snarls. His fighting ability. Is he my new Ramsay Bolton? 🙂

How did he find Yara and Ellaria so quickly? Was there a mole in that council meeting with Dany and company? Was it Varys? I could buy that. I doubt he likes the idea of the Greyjoys fighting with Dany. But Euron also simply could have sat outside Dragonstone just waiting for Yara and Theon.

Theon Greyjoy was once Theon Greyjoy. But the dude is Reek forever after all he went through with Ramsay. And that’s why he jumped off the boat. Which brings us to a hastily made countdown of worthless characters with way too much screen time in Game of Thrones history!

5. PycelleHe pretended to be outwardly incompetent so he could survive 6 seasons, only to be murdered by children.
4. Theon – He was like Meg in Family Guy before he got his dong chopped off. Now he’s a walking Sarah McLaughlin ad.
3. Sam and Gilly – I’d rather watch a drunk karaoke version of endless love on loop.
2. Everyone from Dorne – Oberyn was a badass (and once was my favorite character), but his idiot peacocking got him killed. The Sand Snakes were only good at killing a crippled prince and never won a battle on screen . . . even when they outnumbered the opposition. Shocker, they disappointed again.
1. Stannis Baratheon – He never won a battle, murdered his brother with blood magic, oh yeah, and he burned his daughter at the stake after joining a cult. The. Worst.

What’s next? I imagine a public execution for Ellaria Sand, Hottest Sand Snake (Tyene Sand), and Yara in King’s Landing. Heads. Spikes. The works. And a heroic welcome for Euron, who I imagine has earned the trust of Queen Cersei.

At the end of the episode? The Lannisters are in a significantly better spot than expected, Dany and company are licking their wounds, and Jon Snow is desperate. We’ll see what happens Sunday in episode 3.

Paul Gallant hosts “Gallant at Night” – Weeknights 7-11 PM CT – on SportsRadio 610. He also hosts SportsZone Unfiltered – Fridays at 10 PM – on The Kube: Channel 57. Get in touch with Paul via email or his facebook page.

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