By: Garret Heinrich (@GarretHeinrich)
On Sunday Night, America got ready to welcome the sweet sweet world of the NFL back into their lives. As we have been 6 months without professional football to watch, we were all getting ready to take in the Indianapolis Colts and Green Bay Packers live from Canton, Ohio in the annual Hall Of Fame Game. But then tragedy struck. The world stopped spinning and we were told there would be no football. We would have to wait almost an entire week until the Cowboys and Rams kick off official football games.
The official word from the NFL is that the playing surface was not suitable after paint mixed with the rubber pellets in the playing surface and made it too hard and slippery to play on. But this in the NFL. It couldn’t be that simple of a mistake. There has to be more.
Here are 5 reasons we know the Packers quarterback was behind the whole debacle:
1. Aaron Rodgers Doesn’t Want To
We know A-A-Ron doesn’t like playing in 5 pre-season games. We know he attended the best school in the country for Chemistry. He might have been an “American Studies” (REALLY AMERICAN STUDIES A-A-RON!?) major at Cal, but you know he knows one of those brainiacs and he gave them a call and found out what he needed to add to the paint to make it congeal with the rubber and make the playing surface not suitable. He sneaks into the paint room and makes the chemistry happen, thus getting his way and not having a 5th pre-season game.
2. Tom Brady Ruining Things (AGAIN)
Tom Brady is suspended. Tom Brady doesn’t like being suspended. Tom Brady won’t let anyone play football until Tom Brady can play football. Tom Brady called his good buddy A-A-Ron and asked him to make sure the game is not played. Luckily he decided on paint + rubber = science and not Billy Cole.
Coincidently found this on the internet:
Pretty sure that is a direct quote.
3. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THAT’S BRETT FAVRE’S MUSIC!
Brett Favre was enshrined in Canton on Sunday. He gave an excellent speech and did everything we all remember we love about Favre. But being around the game was too much. Favre looked like he was in shape. While in Canton with the Green Bay brass he worked on a new contract to come back and give it one more go. But A-A-Ron wasn’t having any of it. He ruined the field so that Favre couldn’t usurp (I’m happy Game of Thrones has not brought the word ‘usurp’ back into our lexicon.) him.
4. Cal vs. Stanford Strikes Again
Colts quarterback Andrew Luck had an injury plagued 2015. He is ready to make his comeback and prove he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. But Cal grad A-A-Ron was having none of it. He was trying to to make the field slick for Stanford alumnus Luck to slip and fall on in a classic college rivalry prank. But someone else found out about it and put a stop to the game, and not allowing the prank to fully be completed.
5. Wouldn’t You Want To Get Home Quickly
A-A-Ron is dating Hollywood starlet Olivia Munn. Munn sent Rodgers one of those, “can’t wait for you to get home” texts that every guy knows what it actually means. A-A-Ron wasn’t going to wait around for a three and a half hour game, post game, bus ride, flight, uber home before he found out if she just redecorated the living room or if the text had more context. Thus, field sabotage, game over, home 6 hours earlier than expected. Can you blame him?
This is the best reason ever.
Definitive proof. A-A-Ron Rodgers sabotaged the Hall Of Fame Game. And we can’t blame him.