By John P. Lopez
Dear Ladies (and of course I'm including both genders here),
I hope this letter finds your panties sufficiently de-bunched. I realize that this may be an impossible dream.
After all, getting up on that high horse from the depths of your daily squalor can be quite the cumbersome gymnastic feat. I realize you Open Letter people are the CAPS LOCK writers of modern prose, and that probably never will change. I know you are the, "am I right?" hucksters of the anonymous comments section of life.
And it's obvious to all that you are sad people who mask deeper-seeded issues of resentment and/or bigotry by sharing your complaints with the rest of us.
Sadly, you are destined always to inexplicably feel superior to people whose lives and livelihoods are better than yours.
Still, let's look at the most recent Open Letters aimed at America's hottest football-playing commodity, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton.
One letter penned in November from a Tennessee mom followed the obligatory if predictable form of the Open Letter: She started with, "Mr. Newton," tossed out a congratulatory word or two (i.e., false magnanimity), used her child as the focal point for her disgust (think of the kids!) and then torched and scolded Newton for, you know, enjoying his job.
Rosemary was the mom's name. She was appalled at Newton's supposed arrogance and poor sportsmanship largely because of, "The chest puffs. The pelvic thrusts. The arrogant struts …"
Now, I don't want to get into Rosemary's business, but it sounds to me someone could use a few chest puffs and pelvic thrusts and maybe she'd lighten up a bit. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
The most recent Open Letter was written by an equally appalled woman named Sarah. Her letter followed much the same form, starting with Mr. Newton, and even one-upping Rosemary by not just mentioning children, but hospitalized children. Naturally, Sarah ended with heinous insults, calling Newton, "classless" and saying his tossing of a Seahawks "12s" towel to the ground was, "shameful."
One thing to note, Sarah: You sent your letter to KIRO-TV via their Facebook page and used the term "12th Man" three times in your letter. You went public. So you may want to retrieve your checkbook like you wished you could retrieve that silly flag. Texas A&M University has the copyright to "12th Man" and your beloved Seahawks pay $100,000-a-pop annually in order to use it.
You Open Letter people are quite the strange breed, alright. You think your sheltered, irrational opinions are shared by all. They're not. You think your ulterior motives and built-in biases are not transparent. They are.
Do you know who else dances, gyrates and even tosses out the occasional pelvic thrust every Sunday during the NFL season? Do you know who else tosses footballs into children's hands every week? Do you know who else exudes extreme confidence and points to the crowd, even saluting — gasp, military-style — after a big play?
J.J. Watt. I'll be expecting similar Open Letters to J.J. any day now, you pitiful Open Letter people.
After all, think of the kids.