Sports

Why The French Don’t Play Baseball And Robin Williams’ 9 Best Sports Takes

By John P. Lopez
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US comedian Robin Williams(R) celebrates with doub
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The great Robin Williams affected every corner of life. Few actors and comedians, however, found so much joy — and material — in sports.

Here are some of Williams’ most memorable sports-related quotes. He was a transcendent performer with a severe medical condition. His most memorable quotes on sports, and an unforgettable exchange with Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting …

1. (On baseball) “The French don’t have a baseball team, if they did they would only have left-field and no one would be safe.”

2. (On cocaine in baseball) “I’m standing in the outfield, and there’s a white line going all the way to home plate .. ‘of course I do cocaine, it’s a slow damn game.'”

3. (On Olympic figure skating judges) “The Russians f’d up. ‘So what?’ the French judge said. ‘I like that, it’s like life. I give them the gold medal.’ At that point I’m like, where is Tonya Harding when you need her?”

4. (On his day as a Denver Broncos cheerleader) “I was a Denver Broncos cheerleader, dressed as a Broncos cheerleader. At that point, I said, ‘You know, cocaine is a helluva drug.'”

5. (On tennis) “It’s weird when you watch women’s tennis with all the grunting and shouting. It’s a bit like phone sex. You have to be very careful not to get too excited in front of everyone.”

6. (On Steroids) “Everybody’s worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I’m going, really? Here’s one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids: your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you’re out!”

7. (On golf) “Here’s my idea for a sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole,” the Scotsman says.

“Like pool?”

“F*** off pool, not with a straight stick, with a little f***ed up stick. I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole.”

“Oh, you mean like croquet?”

“F*** croquet. I put the hole hundreds of yards away.

“Oh, like a bowling thing?”

“F*** no. Not straight, I put s**t in the way. Like trees and bushes and high grass. So you can lose your ball. And go whacking away with a tire iron. Whacking away, and each time you miss you feel like you’ll have a stroke. That’s what we’ll call it, a stroke, cause each time you miss you feel like you’re gonna f***ing die. Oh great, oh and here’s the better part — this is brilliant. Right near the end I’ll put a little flat piece with a little flag to give you f***ing hope. But then I’ll put a little pool and a sand box to f*** with your ball again.”

“Oh, and you do this one time?”

“F*** no. Eighteen f***ing times.”

8. (On snowboarding) “The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug.

“Marijuana enhances many things: colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not empowered. When you’re stoned, you’re lucky if you can find your own Goddamn feet. The only way it’s a performance-enhancing drug is if there’s a big Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you’ll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, ‘I’m there!’”

9. (On New Zealand’s rugby team doing the Haka chant before a match) “And then when I saw the All Blacks do the Haka, I thought, ‘Oh no! They’re going to eat the other team! They’re going to beat these poor Frenchmen and then they’re going to eat them, with a nice chardonnay.”

Thank you Robin, you will be missed.

Here is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

 

 

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