Nolan Nawrocki-esque SportsRadio 610 Jock Profiles
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Nolan Nawrocki’s NFL.com Draft profiles are fantastic, but normally point out some very odd points about players. (Example: “Overly emotional and prone to outbursts following a dysfunctional childhood that offered little direction and much confusion related to a divorce. “) Here are our Nolan Nawrocki-esque Draft Profiles of SportsRadio610 Jocks.
Nick Wright: Blew $70K gambling in a 11 month span, an admitted marijuana user, encourages race mixing & rabble rousing.
John P. Lopez: Mexican-American. Grew up with four siblings and four cousins in the same inner-city barrio house. Once got stabbed in the knee in a fight. Ate beans and rice with every meal until the age of 18. Hid in an alley for three hours after getting caught in crossfire of street gunfight. Eats menudo.
Robert Henslee: Questions linger about his character after he was kicked out of art class in 2nd grade for breaking into the supply closet and making it rain styrofoam. Nutrition intake from freshman to senior year of college consisted largely of Jack in the Box tacos and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which may explain his stunted physique. One former coach believes his hair has more personality than he does.
Jim Mudd: Rumored to be a generous lover. Walks Hard like his idol Dewey Cox. Has consumed more than his fair share of Dairy Queen. Too scared of needles to get a tattoo. Loves his Momma.
Mike Meltser: Born in St. Petersburg, Russia. Enjoys coffee greatly. Prefers cats over dogs. Likes Tex-Mex. Gets scared to watch the end of college basketball games. Supports Teddy Bridgewater. Fair.
Seth Payne: Cannot control the volume of his own voice. He generally enjoys snuggling, but not for more than 45 seconds because he’s fidgety
Chris Jones: Runs around like a chicken with his head cut off. Unfortunately he doesn’t know where he’s going. Being from Philly has a weakness for cheese steaks.
Sean Pendergast: Slept inside a Golden Corral to get an extra meal back in 1996…Put a hit out on David Schwimmer in 1997 and again in 2001 (acquitted both times because Schwimmer sucks)…ALWAYS doubles down on 11 even when the dealer has a face card showing…Sweats when he eats…Hates cats.
Rich Lord: Teams are troubled by the fact that he once umpired a softball game in Brooklyn involving a team of Hell’s Angels roughians. Known to go off at times, meaning he could pee anywhere at any time, including on the football field. Questions about work ethic and me-first attitude stem from his over-the-top manlove for Bruce Springsteen.
Ted Johnson: Raised by a single mom who slept with his coaches to help him get more playing time. He ran away from home after signing his letter of intent because he hated pulling weeds and doing yard work as punishment. He stole the key to his HS weight room to get more lifting done before school started. He drove a Trans Am to his HS prom which was badass. His favorite sandwich is bologna/cheese/ketchup
Will Grubb: How old is this kid? Is he even draft eligible? Not mature enough to be the face of the franchise. Has skinny knees. There’s no way he could hold up through an NFL season. He also hates running, which is critical in the NFL.
Brien Straw: Very slow, picky eater as a child whose stubbornness often meant going straight from dinner table to bed rather than “clean his plate” as instructed (usually via a belt) by his parents. Sarcastic sense of humor caused a man to pull a gun on him at a McDonalds while in High School. Once wore a dress during his critically acclaimed performance of Leslie Arthur in Love, Sex & the IRS.
Paul Gallant: Major character flaws overshadow his phenomenal talent. Gets upset often over small, insignificant matters. Has a nickname inspired by a cast member of what was once called the Jersey Shore. Will hate on you, your friends, and your immediate family for no reason. Worships Tom Brady. Cat person.
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