From Vandermeer & Lopez
Seriously, if you didn’t know the back-story — you didn’t know the trainwreck that Charlie Sheen’s life has become, and the history of drug use and decadence — wouldn’t Sheen’s recent quotes be impressive?
Let’s say you were an employer, looking to add to your sales staff? Wanna play? Here are some typical job interview questions and REAL Charlie Sheen answers.
Admit it, you’d hire the guy if you didn’t know any better:
“I’m bi-winning. I win here. I win there.”
Describe a typical work week.
”I’m proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they’re never going to see in their boring normal lives.”
How many hours do you normally work?
“Sometimes sleep is for infants. I don’t sleep. I wait. When I can’t sleep I don’t fight it. I just figure that there’s a higher calling.”
What is your greatest weakness?
“I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
How would you describe yourself?
“I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock. I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.”
How would you describe the pace at which you work?
When you’ve got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it’s like, get with the program dude.”
What motivates you?
“I’ve been the aw-shucks guy with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.”
What are your salary expectations?
“I’m not [broke] but I was kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good. Work fuels the soul.”
Tell me about yourself.
I am a peaceful man with bad intentions
What do people most often criticize about you?
“You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
81 Comments
“I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock”
Hired.
March 2, 2011 at 9:28 am | | Report comment
Greetings from Debica
March 3, 2011 at 3:09 am | | Report comment
“I’m a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
Sounds like a certain ex-husband I know…
March 2, 2011 at 9:32 am | | Report comment
”I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that.
March 2, 2011 at 9:36 am | | Report comment
I’m on the verge of getting sick of hearing about this guy. I think it’s time to move on.
March 2, 2011 at 10:07 am | | Report comment
i agree
March 2, 2011 at 11:39 am | | Report comment
I agree as well!
March 2, 2011 at 3:28 pm | | Report comment
Not quite yet, it’s too good! Don’t fight it, let the tiger blood flow!
March 3, 2011 at 9:38 am | | Report comment
I seccond that too
March 5, 2011 at 11:32 pm | | Report comment
“I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!’ It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”- hahah I love it!
March 2, 2011 at 10:11 am | | Report comment
Why is it that people continue to add to the drama – the more you write about this, the more it will continue. Frankly subscribe to what your mother taught you, if you can’t say anything nice, do not say anything at all. There is something seriously wrong with our country if reporting on people’s plights in hopes for ratings and readership is all we are about.
March 2, 2011 at 10:13 am | | Report comment
As right as you are about reporting on the plight of people ti can’t be stopped. And CS is right when he stated that his life is “something [regular people are] never going to see in their boring normal lives”. It give us something to talk about, something to stay away from, and makes us glad that we don’t have THAT kind of drama in our lives. Seeing it on TV just makes it seem less real. I for one will gladly watch it unfold on TV with someone that I don’t know rather than with a friend.
March 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm | | Report comment
The best one is not even listed!!!
Some have said you are hard to work with?
CS: I’m not hard to work with, I’m interesting to work with.
March 2, 2011 at 10:31 am | | Report comment
i think that dude drank the funny kool-aid. lol nice one
March 2, 2011 at 10:33 am | | Report comment
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I’m bi-winning? LOL
March 2, 2011 at 11:26 am | | Report comment
Thanks for good tips.
March 2, 2011 at 11:42 am | | Report comment
He is so crazy! I feel horrible for his children. I can’t seem to stop reading and watching the news unfold–shame on me. I do wonder why this is creating such huge media buzz. There are so much more important topics out there.
Congrats for being published on Freshly Pressed!
March 2, 2011 at 11:46 am | | Report comment
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I’m not trying to be an ass, but seriously guys, none of the people making light of his situation are allowed to pretend like they cared when he dies next week. =/
March 2, 2011 at 11:59 am | | Report comment
No one’s going to cry for this guy aside from his family and closest friends who wanted to help him. This is society, our generation didn’t get to watch Kenny or Oswald get shot, this is the closest thing to watching a man get murdered on live TV as we’re going to get, and no one wants to blink just in case we miss it.
March 2, 2011 at 3:45 pm | | Report comment
Now that you’ve asked…what say we get up a betting pool on does he die before the calendar year is up? Or before summer?
I mean, you’re making a point, dude. At the rate he’s going, death is NOT an option; it’s a given.
“Tiger blood”? I mean, we all know Spider-Man has radioactive blood, but isn’t this going JUST A BIT OUTSIDE the realm of sanity? (God, now I’m referencing Bob Uecker…LMAO)
March 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm | | Report comment
“Sounds like a straight-shooter with upper-management written all over him.”
March 2, 2011 at 12:04 pm | | Report comment
Watching Charlie Sheen is like watching a bad train wreck because it is a bad train wreck.
Blessings,
Ava
xox
March 2, 2011 at 12:16 pm | | Report comment
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It’s kinda sad how far he has fallen. He’s a great actor but his life is out of control.
March 2, 2011 at 12:32 pm | | Report comment
Im agree with you. Hes a great actor and he should be more careful about it.
March 3, 2011 at 2:43 am | | Report comment
I don’t get what the fascination is all about. Everyday he is back on the news spouting more insanities. Okay we get it. He’s nuts are we going to be asked to testify or something???
March 2, 2011 at 12:41 pm | | Report comment
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good
March 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm | | Report comment
why in the world do we glorify, drug abuse, womanizing, prostitution ( the old profession), his irrational behavior gets way too much press.
March 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm | | Report comment
Lmao I watched the interview yesterday on 20/20. Poor thing :/
March 2, 2011 at 2:46 pm | | Report comment
“I’m not [broke] but I was kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good.
Oh poor guy who makes over a million an episode is running out of money and needs to work? I feel so sorry for him. Not.
March 2, 2011 at 3:43 pm | | Report comment
This is hugely sad. A man like this with such talent, having the opportunity to make this kind of money. How wasted in thinking of all the good he could do for others, instead he holds himself up as the poorest of examples to our young people. What is so stark is to see on the tube, the differences in his physical appearances in just ten years. I am sure the Lord, who has blessed this man with so much, is sadly shaking His head in disappointment. Between the lines, it is like he is saying he is looking forward to being in Hell for eternity. Truly, his life style has made him a complete fool.
March 2, 2011 at 3:59 pm | | Report comment
This guy’s fictitious life as Charlie on his sitcom is a watered-down version of his life as Charlie the actor. It’s pretty impressive.
March 2, 2011 at 4:00 pm | | Report comment
All I’ve seen all over Facebook and Twitter the past few days is Charlie Sheen interview quotes…he needs to go away for a while. Either that or get his act together… because I like Two and a Half Men!
March 2, 2011 at 4:31 pm | | Report comment
He is a train wreck and that is sad, considering what he has achieved and that he is a father. Ugh. I do not like what I’m picking up on. Great post. Congrats on becoming FP!
March 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm | | Report comment
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Actors who have made it , are just REAL PEOPLE that you get to watch flush their lives away. Unlike YOU who flush it away in empty anonymity.
March 2, 2011 at 6:21 pm | | Report comment
I have to admire his chutzpah! Charlie Sheen is certainly entertaining and albeit his sense of reality is not uniform to what “we” consider normal it needs to be said that he is absolutely correct in behaving in such environments what works best for himself. I do not feel it necessary to argue Charlie Sheen’s positional beliefs on family, work ethic, drugs or societal mandates that precludes projection-ism ; ultimately Charlie Sheen will be remembered by his relationships with his family, friends, children, ex-wives, current goddesses and having the good fortune to forever make the world forget their own “realities’ through the wonderful medium of film and TV.
March 2, 2011 at 7:45 pm | | Report comment
Hahaha, too funny! He’s definitely off his rocker!
March 2, 2011 at 7:54 pm | | Report comment
Charlie Sheen is the Webster’s dictionary definition of ‘ass clown’.
March 2, 2011 at 8:26 pm | | Report comment
I’ve never considered him talented in any form; he is sick, and quite honestly he deserves what he gets because he brought it upon himself. He is in his mid-forties I believe? Hanging out with porn stars? Please, desperate and lame anyone?
Showing him constantly in the news does not promote abuse against women or drug-use (or any of the other things he’d stupidly done). It is to show how idiotic you look when you try to live a life like this. No-one wants you, no-one wants to be around you and the people who do see you only laugh. His father is right, this is an ill man who needs care and if he overcomes all this great! If not, I’ll be glad to see him off my TV screen!
Also, everyone; have you seen Charlie’s real teeth?? Yuck! Makes me not even want to take an aspirin for a headache.
March 2, 2011 at 8:34 pm | | Report comment
Plain and simple, Charlie Sheen is the man. He has this horribly inflated ego that won’t let him be less than anything other than what he already is. Its like watching a Michael Bay mid-air collision in slow motion with the musical score from the gladiator. You can cringe, whine, and despise him, but you just can’t look away as the firey screaming inferno of vibrant colors seductively plummets to the ground. Its glorious.
March 2, 2011 at 9:48 pm | | Report comment
He just gave us like 3 different slogans to use on a T Shirt.
March 2, 2011 at 10:49 pm | | Report comment
This is unbelievably funny! I was just watching an interview he did with NBC and he was a mess. They introduced his “godesses’” too. I’m still in shock! He really needs to get his life together, if not for himself, then for his kids.
March 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm | | Report comment
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He’ll never be able to take back all the crazy stuff he said. I hope he gets the help he needs.
March 2, 2011 at 11:46 pm | | Report comment
I actually have a job interview tomorrow. With your help I just might land it lol AMAZING.
March 2, 2011 at 11:47 pm | | Report comment
brilliant mash-up John; really funny; you gotta give this guy his due: he’s a one off
March 2, 2011 at 11:53 pm | | Report comment
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dont mix a reality show and real life, please. I’m french, living in France. I do like Charlie as an actor to make me laugh when the script tells him to say somethings that I could no say by myself to stay respectful with my people who are sometimes nice, sometimes awful like everybody, like Uncle Charlie.
“This is it”. “Voila”. Like him or queat him and move on other channels.
I like this show and hope it will keep on with my american Uncle Charlie in France as I do like my american doctor (Dr House).
March 3, 2011 at 2:46 am | | Report comment
It not funny, when the unemployment rate is 9%.
March 3, 2011 at 2:48 am | | Report comment
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LOL: http://sheen.tk
That is the funniest rant ever from anti-Christian. Thankyou Charlie for brining anti-Christianity to a new super low.
March 3, 2011 at 5:20 am | | Report comment
Charlie could reprise his role from the “Wall Street” movie. Coming this summer to a theater near you: “Wall Street 3: The Assassin Warlock Never Sleeps.”
March 3, 2011 at 5:33 am | | Report comment
Charlie Sheen is like a proverbial train wreck–but I just can’t look away….
March 3, 2011 at 5:53 am | | Report comment
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How would you describe yourself?
“I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock. I don’t know. All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.”
hahaha that made me chuckle
March 3, 2011 at 7:53 am | | Report comment
“I am on a drug. It’s called ‘Charlie Sheen!”
That may be the single funniest line in the history of mankind. Or, in the history of things not from this “terrestrial realm”.
Take your pick.
March 3, 2011 at 7:59 am | | Report comment
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Its just hard for these celebrities to live a normal live. In the United States everybody has a job that they do, and that does not influence what they do in their personal life..a man personal life is his personal business not because hes an actor means hes perfect come on media in the United States does not addresses serious issues but nonesense..come on
March 3, 2011 at 9:24 am | | Report comment
Oh celebrities. They never seise to amaze me. Only they are the ones that get a slap on the wrist for just about any crime they commit. They say “life is so hard”, and all of those other lines they use as excuses saying that is why they got addicted to whatever they are addicted to. I don’t know about you, but if I got paid half as much as them, I would be happy as can be. I know money is not everything, but they make there life out to be so hard. To me, a life as a celebrity would be cake compared to a “normal” 9-5 life.
March 3, 2011 at 12:35 pm | | Report comment
LOL…hes so funny!
March 3, 2011 at 12:49 pm | | Report comment
This sounds scary. This guy needs to get a grip.
March 3, 2011 at 1:15 pm | | Report comment
Damn…this is my third try at a comment…it keeps going into the ether. I feel strongly about this. Firstly, if we’d stop giving Charlie a forum to run his crazy mouth it would be a good thing. ENOUGH! MY GOD he is a bloody raving lunatic who needs an intervention by someone who loves him, if there is anyone.
Secondly, no wonder he thinks he has Adonis DNA since he had a Prime-Time show that mirrored his life that the American people watched and Idolized until it finally got a little too real with drugs and prostitutes! ?Thats the only thing that was missing from the show and everybody was along for the ride, laughing & clapping & paying him millions!. I hope he disappears from the media coverage, people are rioting in Wisconsin, Libya is getting ready to war & we’re getting 24/7 coverage of CHARLIE! how SICK!
March 3, 2011 at 1:23 pm | | Report comment
I think I found the username error404 more amusing than I do Mr. Sheen. He is very egotistical.
March 3, 2011 at 1:25 pm | | Report comment
Charlie’s strong enough… We all are, I don’t feel sorry for him cause I believe we have eternity to work all the stuff out. there is such a determined spirit in this guy.. it’s as if he speaks for that part of me that feels so subjected to ‘What the f… you think”.. it is like the ultimate calling out ourselves to say ‘I simply do not give a rats ass’.. that is cross culture and it lies as all our little dark secret.
I am glad I don’t feel a desire so great as to destroy my physical body, lord knows I’ve done enough of that with my past. But the whole sanity to his insanity is quite clear to me.. hey… what does that say about me…
well.
What do YOU THINK? hehehehehehehe
March 5, 2011 at 12:47 pm | | Report comment
have skinny self with big tits and a white see thru t shirt and you get the job! at least you get to blow something… hey charlie!
March 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm | | Report comment
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You had me at the “The Charlie Sheen Guide To Passing A Job Interview:” HILARIOUS!
March 6, 2011 at 10:35 am | | Report comment
To all those who say “I wish he’d go away, etc.”….you clicked on this story on this blog, didn’t you?
‘Nuff said there.
His is a story that is impressively sad, yet hilarious in the things he says…his mind is really something. Dennis Miller-esque on speed…
Dug
http://thf2.wordpress.com
March 6, 2011 at 3:52 pm | | Report comment
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I would hire him in a second. how many kids these days have tiger blood?
http://dcsportsdudes.com/
March 11, 2011 at 11:25 am | | Report comment
He would be either amazing, or awful on a suicide hotline…
March 11, 2011 at 7:24 pm | | Report comment
Haha absolutely loved the post! Keep on showing support for Charlie Sheen and ignore all those with Sheenis Envy! Sheen for president!!
March 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm | | Report comment
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with the first three answers of the questions above i would have kicked his dumb-ass out of my office.
April 17, 2011 at 10:47 pm | | Report comment
Very good written information. It will be supportive to anybody who usess it, including yours truly
. Keep up the good work – for sure i will check out more posts.
May 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm | | Report comment